Got a joke to share? - Page 286 - Honda Ridgeline Owners Club Forums
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #2851 of 3065 (permalink) Old 10-22-2012, 10:00 AM
ROC Rank: Comma Club HOF 10,000+
 
25 Year Honda Owner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Winchester,Tennessee
Model: RTL
Model Year: 2013
Color: Dark Cherry Pearl
Posts: 11,111
Re: Got a joke to share?

Now this is funny, video from a Letterman show. The Lone Ranger rides again!! http://stg.do/0N3c

25 Year Honda Owner
“The politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints, except those they disagree with." Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal
25 Year Honda Owner is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2852 of 3065 (permalink) Old 10-22-2012, 05:17 PM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 25 Year Honda Owner View Post
Now this is funny, video from a Letterman show. The Lone Ranger rides again!! http://stg.do/0N3c
Loved it! I'll now forever have a different mental image anytime I hear the words "They'll believe me citizen!"



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2853 of 3065 (permalink) Old 10-23-2012, 09:07 AM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2854 of 3065 (permalink) Old 10-26-2012, 10:53 AM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2855 of 3065 (permalink) Old 10-31-2012, 08:14 PM
Moderator
 
speedlever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: High Point, NC
Model: RTS
Model Year: 2008
Color: Billet Silver Metallic
Posts: 20,759
Re: Got a joke to share?

Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;
I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;
I always call her "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

" You idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.

2008 Ridgeline RTS in BSM


2006 Pilot EXL-RES in BSM


1999 Civic LX 5 speed manual in metalflake black


2009 Corolla S
speedlever is online now  
post #2856 of 3065 (permalink) Old 11-09-2012, 08:41 AM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Talking Re: Got a joke to share?

finally, menopause defined in ways that a man can understand . . .
Attached Images
 



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2857 of 3065 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 06:47 AM
ROC Rank: Comma Club HOF 10,000+
 
25 Year Honda Owner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Winchester,Tennessee
Model: RTL
Model Year: 2013
Color: Dark Cherry Pearl
Posts: 11,111
Re: Got a joke to share?

Mayan mystery revealed.
Attached Images
 

25 Year Honda Owner
“The politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints, except those they disagree with." Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal
25 Year Honda Owner is offline  
post #2858 of 3065 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 02:28 PM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

I do not drive much anymore, but last night I was sitting at a long stoplight, minding my own business, "patiently" waiting for it to turn green even though there was no oncoming traffic.

A carload of young, bearded Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a heavily-loaded 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

"Man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2859 of 3065 (permalink) Old 11-14-2012, 12:49 PM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week.

The other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football players life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
post #2860 of 3065 (permalink) Old 11-19-2012, 08:47 AM
ROC Rank: 7k Comma Club
 
MoosePond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Westchester, NY (moving to NC in 2017)
Model: *Former Ridgeline Owner
Model Year: 2007
Color: White / Beige
Posts: 7,360
Re: Got a joke to share?

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux rental: $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for any occasion.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.



Life is too short to drive boring vehicles!
MoosePond is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

  Honda Ridgeline Owners Club Forums > ROC Member Central > The Ridge - Off-Topic Discussions

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Honda Ridgeline Owners Club Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome