Got a joke to share? [Archive] - Honda Ridgeline Owners Club Forums

Ridge Man

05-04-2005, 09:49 PM

A fellow was getting ready to tee off the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he join in him. The first said that he usally played alone,but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes, when the second guy said; we're evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the Pro at a neighboring course and he liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The Pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said;"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings". The pro said is there anything I can do to make it up to you?.

The Priest said, "Well you could come to Mass on sunday and make a donation. And if want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them".An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Ok..just for fun!!!!
Ok..here's my own little contest only because I can't stay away from this website for 5 minutes. So I feel like I should contribute something.
I have posted this joke on another thread. Be the first one to reply and tell me where and I'll make you a custom key chain. FREE shipping too. It won't be with the club logo, but email me anything else you want on it and it's done.
ok...go!

BannedUser

05-05-2005, 06:48 AM

OOOhh....ouch!! lol

Dnucci

05-05-2005, 07:28 AM

Two Golf jokes:
1) Tee Time
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it, I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which one hurts."

2) Golfing w/Mother Nature
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found
it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get
his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter
for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!... ...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where
are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows.

"Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

ridge4me2

05-05-2005, 11:39 AM

Pedro the Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went
to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered,
"Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as
"unskilled labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since
diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.

When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on a panties, Pedro
he puts dem over his head and says, "Yeah, diesel fitter."

STEVE FROST

05-05-2005, 12:59 PM

The Irish tend to celebrate everything, they are also good planners.

This young lad goes back to the old country to visit the family. Some thing is bothering his father but he has not figured out what it is.

His father returned from work that day and the son asks him, Dawd you seem all down in the mouth and gloomy.

Father replies: I lad its true, Ive been seeing the doctor
and He's given me a bit o bad news.

Son: Tell me Dawd tell me now what is it?

Father: The doctor says I've got that cancer ya know and I
shaunt be long in this world.

It was a teary occassion as the sobbed and hugged
each other.

They regain their composure and the son stays
Dawd let wander down to Scotties, I will buy you a pint and we can reminisce a bit.

They sit at the pub drinking their pint when one of the old mans buddies comes in and one shouts: Lenny what would you be celibrating.

Father: Aw lads it shaunt be a celebration, I've recieved
a bit o'bad news.

Old freind: Lenny tell us what is it?

Father: I've been seeing the doctor and he tells me I've
contracted that AIDS ya know and I shaunt be
long in this world.

Old freind: Why thats terrible Lenny.
He calls the inn keeper and buys the father
and son a drink and then sits at the end of
the bar.

Son: Leans over to his dad and asks: Dawd I thought you
told me you've got that cancer.

Father: I lad its true but I dona-want them bastards
buggering your Mum when I am gone.

Steve Frost

JulesK

05-05-2005, 08:49 PM

ADMIN NOTE:
Some of the jokes or pictures contained in this thread are intended for an adult audience. Jokes can sometimes get dirty, ya know. So, this is your fair warning. If you are easily offended, move along to another thread.

Thanks, Mgmt.
---------------------------------------------

A beautiful blond boards an airplane. The flight attendent at the door asks for her tickets. The attendent looks at them and tells her she is seated in coach, through the curtains and about 10 rows back. To which the blond promptly seats herself in 1st class.
The attendent goes over to her and says, "Didn't you understand me ? You cannot sit here. This is 1st class. Your tickets are for coach"
The blond looks back at her and says" I'm blond , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami, and I am not moving!"
They argued for several minutes, after which the senior attendent came over to try to help. After looking at the blond's tickets she also told her " Ma'am your tickets are for coach, you must leave 1st class immediately"
Once again, the blond replied" I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami, and I am not moving!"
The senior attendent saw she was getting nowhere, and knocked on the cockpit door . The Captain came out to see what was going on. After a brief explanation, he quietly said," I'll handle this"
He walked into 1st class, and after spotting the blond, he walked over , introduced himself, and asked if he could sit next to her. She agreed, and he sat down.
After a moment he leaned over and whispered into the blond's ear. As he finished her eyes popped wide open, she jumped up out of her seat and literally ran for coach.
The 2 attendents were stunned and ran over to the captain. one said
" Captain, we argued with her for almost fifteen minutes! In 2 seconds you had her running out of 1st class. What on earth did you tell her?
The captain chuckled and said "it was really no big deal. I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Miami!"

JulesK

05-05-2005, 09:04 PM

It was Sunday and the church was full.
After a flash and a boom the great horned beast himself appeared in front of the altar. As he turned to the congregation they began to scream and in great fright rushed madly out of the sanctuary.
Satan surveyed the room and noticed one elderly gentleman still sitting in a pew with his hands resting lightly on his cane.
The beast approached him and said, " you did not run out of the church as the others."
The man replied " Nope"
The beast asked, " aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied , "Nope"
The beast then asked , " Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, " I ought to, I've been married to your sister for the last 45 years!"

ridge4me2

05-11-2005, 11:15 AM

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although
their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at
breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father.

BannedUser

05-11-2005, 12:29 PM

ridge4me2

05-11-2005, 01:09 PM

I just hope I didn't offend any pancake eating members. ;)

BannedUser

05-11-2005, 01:17 PM

I just hope I didn't offend any pancake eating members. ;)

HECK NO. NOT ME. COPY, PASTED AND SENT IT OFF TO EVERYONE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK AND RECITED IT TO 3 PEOPLE ALREADY. GREAT! :D

Marcus

05-12-2005, 08:35 PM

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" ;)

I meant no offense - just a joke I heard today... OK?

ridge4me2

05-16-2005, 11:19 AM

The Cause of Arthritis

A drunk, who smelled of beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being
with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal
hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on
the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just
reading here that the Pope does."

Truckin'

05-19-2005, 09:39 AM

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, they go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

^

^

^

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

ridge4me2

05-25-2005, 10:32 AM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

a.. Indubitably
b.. Innovative
c.. Preliminary
d.. Proliferation
e.. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

a.. Specificity
b.. British Constitution
c.. Passive-aggressive disorder
d.. Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

a.. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
b.. Nope, no more booze for me
c.. Sorry, but you're not really my type
d.. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
e.. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Marcus

05-31-2005, 09:50 AM

This happened about a month ago just outside of
Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the
road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in
front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching
and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept
toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and
closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody
behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the
rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was
terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp
curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road
and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared
at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering
wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as
silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was
alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand
reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to
near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and
ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his
supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some
drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar
and one says to the other,
"Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our
car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

Ultra-HOG

06-13-2005, 09:27 AM

This was copied from another site and was posted by "CR-V"

I thought it was so good that I had to share it.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but 1/3 way through the semister, he foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his redneck father. "Dad" he says, you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here that will teach Fido to talk!

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in the program?"

"Just send him down here with with a $1000, the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing son?" his father asks.

"Awsome. dad, he's talking up a storm, he says, but you just won't belive this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, No kidding! What do I have to do to get him into that program?.

"Just send $2500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, I've some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,reading the morning paper,like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So his your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy".

Ultra-HOG

06-14-2005, 12:19 PM

http://www.loveit-or-leaveit.com/videos/monkeyjoke.html

Ultra-HOG

06-14-2005, 12:39 PM

A Sweet Little Girl

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door as the newest home in the neighborhood was being built. She started talking with the workers and told them that she wanted to be a housebuilder when she grew up too. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless sons-a-b*itc#hes at the lumber yard ever bring us any godda*n drywall that’s worth a sh!t," replied the little girl.

Ultra-HOG

06-14-2005, 01:11 PM

Subject: you gotta hear this!

BUT READ THIS FIRST:
>

>
An operations manager for Jack in the Box out here in Dallas was late
>
for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running behind
>
schedule. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an
>
accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is
>
the actual voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within
>
Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server. This has to be one
>
of the funniest things that I have heard in a while. Enjoy..
>

>
"http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3 (http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3)"

( you may have to copy the above link into your browser)

shovelhd

06-14-2005, 05:23 PM

File Not Found

Ultra-HOG

06-14-2005, 05:31 PM

Try it now. I added " marks to the link. Odd that in preview it works without the quotes. Oh well, now it works.

shovelhd

06-14-2005, 06:00 PM

That guy's laugh is addicting.

BannedUser

06-14-2005, 08:28 PM

That guy's laugh is addicting.

That is toooo funny!!!! :D

BannedUser

06-14-2005, 08:29 PM

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur pecker?"

Ultra-HOG

06-17-2005, 07:31 AM

WHAT CAN I SAY?-------

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service charges on her
credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

BannedUser

06-17-2005, 09:58 AM

Marcus

06-22-2005, 09:09 PM

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.".. .

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, "said the politician." In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Delrio

06-24-2005, 12:52 PM

Nice bite...

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?
"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 Dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh?
OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they go to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal them and
he starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in
them,
but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

Delrio

06-24-2005, 12:54 PM

Do I get a key Chain Too??? :rolleyes:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent
and are soon asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and asks,
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn
is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone stole our tent."

pbear

06-24-2005, 04:36 PM

A little crass there buddy...

pbear

06-24-2005, 04:42 PM

A Southern Baptist minister was completing a
temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

With even greater emphasis he said,

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

BannedUser

06-27-2005, 02:41 PM

I know we have many golfers in the ROC family. This is for you!! ;)

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
"It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a
raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the
left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of
cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"
stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too

ridge4me2

07-01-2005, 12:27 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had performed. The monsignor replied, "When I am concerned about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I simply pour vodka into my water glass. If I start to feel nervous, I take a sip."

The following Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, the priest became nervous and took a drink, after which he proceeded to deliver a stirring sermon.

Upon his return to his office after mass, the priest found the following note from the monsignor:

1. Sip the vodka, don't chug it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated; he was not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't preach that he was stoned off his ass.
10. We never refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Marcus

07-02-2005, 03:12 PM

Old Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? ANSWER: If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
(1) "Why is it doing that?"
(2) "Where are we?"
(3) and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Which two are always needed to successfully complete the flight?"

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang
(crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!

BannedUser

07-18-2005, 12:44 PM

Now that is a salesman!

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new 2006 Honda Ridgeline.

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

Toobuku

07-19-2005, 09:45 PM

Don't be offended! This was funny! :D

AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, AN ALABAMA COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS
THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED. SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO HIS
VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE
ANYMORE CHILDREN.
THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT
COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE. "A LESS COSTLY
ALTERNATIVE," SAID THE DOCTOR, "IS TO GO HOME, GET A CHERRY BOMB."
(FIREWORKS ARE LEGAL IN ALABAMA) "LIGHT IT, PUT IT IN A BEER
CAN, THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."
THE ALABAMIAN SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "I MAY NOT BE THE SMARTEST TOOL IN
THE SHED, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO
MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."

TRUST ME," SAID THE DOCTOR.

SO THE MAN WENT HOME, LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE
HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT.

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED, PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND
RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND.

THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN KENTUCKY, ARKANSAS, TENNESSEE,
MISSISSIPPI, AND WEST VIRGINIA.

steveberger

07-20-2005, 06:28 AM

A little boy is talking with his Grandma. "Grandma, How come you don't have a boy friend since Grandpa died?"

"I loved your Grandpa very much. I don't think any body could replace him. Besides I have the TV. It keeps me company, entertains me and makes me laugh like Grandpa used to. I guess you could say the TV is my 'boyfriend'."

The Grandmother flips on the TV and the reception is terrible. She starts fiddling with the knobs and beating on the top of the set trying to fix it.

The door bell rings and the little boy answers it to find the parish priest has come to visit. "Is your Grandma home", he asks.

"Yea. She's inside banging her boyfriend!"

Tex's Ridge

07-20-2005, 06:59 AM

that is way too good!!!

BannedUser

07-20-2005, 08:01 AM

The last two..priceless. :D

ridge4me2

08-10-2005, 11:03 AM

I'm not playing here!

Marcus

08-10-2005, 11:17 AM

Dallas: "Tower to Saudi Air101--You are cleared to land southbound on runway 18R." Saudi Air: "Dallas ATC,101 cleared to 18R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas: "Tower to Iran Air 103--You are cleared to land northbound on runway 36L." Iran Air: "Dallas ATC,103 cleared to 36L. May Allah Bless you."

Dallas Ground: "Ground to Palestine Air 105-- You are cleared to cross the parallel." Palestine Air: "Ground,105 cleared to cross at the mid-section. Paradise awaits Allah's servants"

Dallas: "Tower to Egypt Air102--You are cleared to land southbound on runway 18R." Egypt Air: "Dallas ATC, 102 cleared to 18R. Allah is Great."

Dallas: "Tower to Syria Air104--You are cleared to land northbound on runway 36L." Syria Air: "Dallas ATC, 104 cleared to 36L. Allah the Highest."

Pause: Much Static..........+^&_%@#*=

Saudi Air 101 to "DALLAS TOWER!!! DALLAS TOWER!!!" Dallas: "Go ahead Saudi 101"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED ALL OUR AIRCRAFT TO THE SAME RUNWAY!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas: Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"

ridge4me2

08-10-2005, 11:42 AM

In Kansas City, Missouri. What part of ONLY don't they understand?

vertrkr

08-10-2005, 12:20 PM

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', 'ya, I'm positive.'

ridgeln

08-10-2005, 06:19 PM

favorite aviation truism:

You ALWAYS want the number of landings to equal the number of take-offs.

-ridgeln

Ridge Man

08-10-2005, 07:45 PM

Airport Security (Scanner)
Caution: ADULT Content, send Ankle biters and maybe the Frau on an errand before you open.
http://home.chello.no/~siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

bigtars@hotmail.com

08-12-2005, 10:53 PM

A Mesican kid was entering the US at a border crossing.The border patrol told him that there are strict rules when entering the USA and that he could enter if he could make a sentence with the words:GREEN,PINK and YELLOW. The Mesican thought for a moment and said:The phone goes green green green-I pink it up and I say yellow,this is Pedro. Pedro now lives in your neighborhood.

H20MAN

08-15-2005, 10:27 PM

Ridgeman- NICE!!!!!!!!! I got a joke too. A blonde walks into a store and approaches the clerk and asks him for some anal deoderant, the man looks very puzzled and replies that there is no such product, the woman proceeds to tell him she has bought it here before, they go back and forth for quite some time, the clerk finally says to her go get the package and we will see if we can find it. The woman comes back a few hours later with the bottle, the clerk looks at it and says maam, this is just regular armpit deoderant, she laughs and says no it isn't silly look at the directions, she shows him the bottle and points to where it says PUSH UP BOTTOM TO APPLY...... Sorry if I offended any blondes, but I heard it at work today and had to share.

meanmachine19

08-15-2005, 10:48 PM

This is about a family that lives on a farm....

One morning the boy comes downstairs and sits at the table for breakfast. Mom asks him if he did his morning chores before school and he says no. Mom sends him to do his chores. So the boy goes and gets the eggs from the chickens, kicking some of them along the way. Then he goes to milk the cow, smacking the cow hard. Finally he goes to feed the pigs and again he hits them.

When he comes back he sits at the table and tells his mom he finished his chores and is ready to eat. Mom says I saw what you did to the chickens, so you get no eggs for breakfast. I also saw how you treated the cow, so no milk for your cereal. And after hitting the pigs, you get no bacon. The boy is upset.

Just then, the Dad comes into the kitchen and says good morning. As he does so, the cat runs across his path and so the Dad kicks the cat. Seeing this, the boy smiles to the mother and says 'Are you going to tell him the bad news, or shall I..............

Dnucci

08-16-2005, 06:09 AM

Heard this at a comedy show this weekend:

This comedian was performing for a Christian Motorcycle Club. After he was leaving the building, he was walking backward talking to someone and bumped into a Harley, knocking it over.

A very large biker dude came angrily out the door and started toward the comedian. thinking fast , the comedian blurted, "What would Jesus do?"

Apparently Jesus will kick the crap out of you if you knock over his Harley!!!

Redridgerock

08-24-2005, 03:21 PM

It's 2008 and Hillary Clinton has just been innaugurated President. On her first night in the White House, the ghost of George Washintgon appears to her. Hillary asks, "What can I do to best serve the American people." The ghost of Washington answers, "Never lie to them."

The 2nd night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears to her. Hillary asks, "What can I do to best serve the American people." The ghost of Jefferson answers, "Remember all people are created equal."

The 3rd night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears to her. Hillary asks, "What can I do to best serve the American people." The ghost of Linclon replies, "Go the the theater!"

BannedUser

08-26-2005, 03:07 PM

A friend of mine sent this to me today via email and I just had to share it with you. I laughed so hard I cried and then called my daughter to share it with her and made her cry too!! :D

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished
it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my
toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents."

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out
of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added , "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the bottle."

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the
matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on
my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly
intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
eeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS- UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
arty. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and
with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought
his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto
the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Marcus

09-01-2005, 04:19 PM

Just for the girls!

Think before you wax!
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours.

Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. ######!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off"

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!
God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................................. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

BannedUser

09-14-2005, 09:34 AM

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw
me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f&*%ing funeral director would be my guess."
dedicated to...oh..you know who you are!! :D

MsRidgeline

09-14-2005, 09:59 AM

BannedUser! You are the WO-MAN!!!!!

ridgeln

09-14-2005, 10:07 AM

<wiping a tear from my eye> I love long distance dedications <sniff, sniff>

:-)

-ridgeln

btw:

Two men walk into a bar.

Third guy ducks.

BannedUser

09-14-2005, 11:54 AM

<wiping a tear from my eye> I love long distance dedications <sniff, sniff>

:-)

-ridgeln

btw:

Two men walk into a bar.

Third guy ducks.
You're a hoot....LOL :D

UglyTruckling

09-14-2005, 12:01 PM

Both of you guys (LadyRidge and Ridgeln) are making me laugh! Too funny....

ridgeln

09-14-2005, 05:48 PM

Just proof that we Ohio Ridgeline owners are good people to hang with! So what are you waiting for? Time to make your reservations for ROC @ the Rock!!! Meet LadyRidge and Ridgina in person! See more than 2 Ridgelines in one place at once! (other than your favorite Honda dealership)

So contact LadyRidge about the goin's on over the November 5th weekend in Cleveland!

-ridgeln

btw:
there once was a man from nantucket
who cleaned his truck with a bucket (fooled you, didn't I?)
he washed and he scrubbed, and got him some grub,
and declared SILVER the best to drive.

BannedUser

09-14-2005, 06:13 PM

JOZ RIDG

09-14-2005, 06:29 PM

Don't be offended!

THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN KENTUCKY, ARKANSAS, TENNESSEE,
MISSISSIPPI, AND WEST VIRGINIA.

Toobuku, Your Bad.

But in the states you mentioned above If you devorce your Wife is she still your Sister?

Now I'm Bad.

Please dont be offended.

JOZ RIDG

09-14-2005, 06:39 PM

True story.

I was on a jury panel and on the second day of a trail, half the jury and I walked to the same restaurant for our lunch break.

After lunch most of us got on the same elevator to return to the 5th floor court room.
On the elevator I remembered a short Lawyer joke.

I said “What’s the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk lying in the road”?

From behind me I heard a loud and familiar voice say “What’s the difference”
I looked over my shoulder and saw both our Prosecution and Defense attorneys standing next to each other in the back of the elevator.

After my heart started beating again and descended from my throat I blurted out the answer.

“The skunk has tire skid marks in front of it”

The initial response was silence until both attorneys laughed loudly then everyone laughed.
At that moment the elevator doors opened and we walked straight towards the court room doors. I was red faced and I thought I was dead meat.

As we got close to the courtroom doors one of the attorneys said “Don’t worry, we have heard all the attorney jokes”

I’m sure glad he said that because I thought I was history and was thinking of exiting the courthouse.

Kellcut

09-14-2005, 08:00 PM

JOZ RIDG

09-14-2005, 09:23 PM

A blonde female cop pulled over a blonde going 60 mph in a 45 mph zone.
The cop asked her for her driver’s license and she kept fumbling around in her purse but couldn’t find it. Finally she asked what it looked like.
The cop said it was about the size of a credit card and has your picture on it.
The blonde saw herself on a small mirror and handed it to the cop.
The cop looked at it and said, Oh you can go, I didn’t know you were a cop too.

I hope BannedUser isn't blonde! I might be in trouble!

BannedUser

09-14-2005, 09:57 PM

Tex's Ridge

10-11-2005, 05:30 AM

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!"
he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs . . . "Come on in, George."

gpruchniewski

10-11-2005, 08:33 AM

No offense right? Just jokes......

Q. Why is a womans wedding dress white?
A. you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances don't you...

Q. What do you do when your womans watch breaks?
A. Nothing, there's a clock on the stove.

Q. How many men does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb?
A. None, make her cook in the dark.

Q. Can anyone guess why I'm single?
A. :confused:
Sorry ya'll I had a few jokes to share. I'm ready for my beatings to commence...

BannedUser

10-11-2005, 08:56 AM

SmokyMtnRidger

10-11-2005, 08:58 AM

Subject: WHY PARENTS DRINK AND SMOKE
>The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
>urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's
>>home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>"Hello."
>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>"Yes," whispered the small
>voice.
>"May I talk with him?"
>The child whispered, "No."
>Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your >
>mommy there?"
>"Yes."
>"May I talk with her?"
>Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> asked, "Is anybody else
>there?"
>"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
>"Busy doing what?"
>"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
>answer.
>Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
>helicopter through the earpiece on the phone
>the boss asked, "What is that
>noise?"
>A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
>"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
>In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
>landed the hello-copper."
>Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the
>boss
>asked, "What are they searching for?"
>Still whispering, the young voice replied along
>with a muffled giggle:
>"ME."

BannedUser

10-11-2005, 09:01 AM

Truly priceless. Thanks SMR. :p

gpruchniewski

10-11-2005, 09:45 AM

You're single??? A great guy like you who has so many nice...< cough.... cough > things to say about women?? Come on....... :D
So come to Cleveland and maybe you'll get lucky.. ;)

I always thought I should try cleveland, I mean, if drew carey can get lucky there....... :D And he doesn't even own a Ridgeline.......

BannedUser

10-11-2005, 09:50 AM

I always thought I should try cleveland, I mean, if drew carey can get lucky there....... :D And he doesn't even own a Ridgeline.......
Ok..no excuses...check out the final itinerary and get back to me ASAP. I buy our ROCK HALL tickets on the 31st and your shirt has to be ordered. No time to waste.

Ok..I'm waiting....

gpruchniewski

10-11-2005, 10:30 AM

Ok..no excuses...check out the final itinerary and get back to me ASAP. I buy our ROCK HALL tickets on the 31st and your shirt has to be ordered. No time to waste.

Ok..I'm waiting....

LadyRidge, Nov 4th I'm supposed to be on an airplane out to San Deigo for work. what a drag... I need to talk to my manager about the final dates b/c those are just what we discussed, nothing set in stone. If I can push it back a week, I will love to go to the event. It sounds like a lot of fun and by the count I saw through the threads you need another blue ridgeline.

Do you have a website so I can look at the Ridgeline trim that was mentioned for the windshield. I'm very interested in that, I just ordered 2 ROC.com stickers for my back window.

STEVE FROST

10-11-2005, 01:07 PM

Mr. Rumsfield went to the oval office, told Mr. Bush that he had bad news. He informed the President that we had lost three Brazilian troops in our war on terror.

George was deeply moved, and then asked how much is a brazilion.

When the President was asked about his views about Rogh verses Wade. He stated he did not care how those people got out of New Orlenes.

gpruchniewski

10-11-2005, 06:17 PM

What had four legs and one arm?

A very happy Rotweiller.

I love Rotties...... :)

JOZ RIDG

10-11-2005, 10:38 PM

"Grannie goes to Breakfast"

Went to a restaurant where "Senior Special" was two eggs, bacon,hash browns and toast for $1.99

"Sounds good" my Grannie said. "But I don't want the egg's"

"Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'll have to pay for NOT taking the eggs?" Grannie asked incredulously.

"Then I'll take the Special."

"How do you want you eggs"

"Raw and in the Shell"

"My" the Waitress said.

Grannie took the two eggs home!

flymuck

10-15-2005, 02:22 PM

A software engineer, mechanical engineer, and electrical engineer are riding together in a car (not a Honda, for obvious reasons).

The brakes fail and the car is barely kept under control while flying down a long hill until they finally are able to stop.

The mechanical engineer jumps out of the car and immediately proceeds to examine the brakes.

The electrical engineer jumps out and pops the hood to look for trouble.

The software engineer remains in the car, looking confused, and finally says to the other two, "Do you think we could get the car back up the hill and try it again?"

(a variation of this joke is that the software engineer rolls down all the windows and rolls them back up in an attempt to reboot the car...)

Marcus

10-31-2005, 11:26 AM

THIS CAME TO ME FROM "ACROSS THE POND"......AND FUNNY IT IS!!

For anyone who's had service issues (I'm pretty sure that's everyone).... You need to read this.

A Brilliant Letter of Complaint: What follows is a superb example of British humour in a letter that was truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
2) The Brits appear to get a better education than most, enabling them to write some fine letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties-or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bullock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was ****; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT, wankers though they are, shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy Quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease Any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief And will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit; they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

lowrider90

10-31-2005, 11:42 AM

I thought these were funny, maybe it's just me?

Subject: CORPORATE LESSONS

Corporate Lesson 1
>
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
> her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
> in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
> Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
> give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the
> woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
> seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back
> up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the
> bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
> neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say
> anything about the $800 he owes me?"
>
> Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
> to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
> position to prevent avoidable exposure.
>
> Corporate Lesson 2
> A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her
> legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
> accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
> slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm
> 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
> hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
> remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
> "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent,
> the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
> rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
> you will find glory."
>
> Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
> might miss a great opportunity.
>
> Corporate Lesson 3
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
> to! lunch w hen they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
> comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me
> first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
> She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
> Hawaii,
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
> supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
> "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
> want those two back in the office after lunch."
>
> Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Corporate Lesson 4
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit
> asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The
> crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
> below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the
> rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
> sitting very high up.
>
> Corporate Lesson 5
> A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get
> to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the
> energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the
> bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
> dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
> branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
> reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was
> proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a
> farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it
> wont keep you there.

BannedUser

10-31-2005, 11:52 AM

Tex's Ridge

11-01-2005, 08:29 AM

How to tell when you really had a good time last night!:D

RAND

11-01-2005, 11:32 AM

Some more drunken fools!!:D Here's the link lots of fun http://www.collegehumor.com/

Marcus

11-01-2005, 08:41 PM

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told m e I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me o ff that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Marcus

11-01-2005, 08:46 PM

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.

Ultra-HOG

11-02-2005, 06:17 AM

Hey Marcus, that's great stuff! I am all alone in the house, laughing uncontrollably - the dogs think that I am crazy. (They may be right!)
Thanks! I needed a good laugh!

BannedUser

11-02-2005, 09:37 AM

Golf at It's Best

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter
for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussie willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

Sorry...Todd sent it to me from his boss and I thought you guys would enjoy it. :D

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:03 PM

This is a story I was told a few years back but is so funny I had to share with you guys....

Haircut

A little over a year ago, I had a serious accident in my shop involving my 3 hp Jet dust collector. The recent discussion about dust collecting has given me the "shove" necessary to write about it and the passage of time has dulled the memory to the point where I can now discuss it in public. My wife is a sweetheart of a person, who I met for the first time while attending kindergarten in our home town of Marshall MO. She beat me up that first day of school. We were always friends during our school years and continued to be friends right up to the time we were married. We've now been married for 29 years and she has mellowed to the point where she seldom beats me up anymore, since it upsets the dog when it happens.

About a year ago, my wife and I decided to "reward" ourselves for the last kid going off to college with a trip to Alaska and a leisurely cruise down the Inside Passage to Vancouver. It was to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. Planning for the trip went smoothly, with the only glitch being my good wife forgetting to make an appointment at the beauty parlor for the day before we were to leave. I spent the day before the trip straightening up my shop so that a burglar wouldn't trip over anything and sue me for his injuries. My wife came downstairs in the afternoon to ask me if I would trim her hair just a tad so that it would look better for the trip. Since I've been virtually bald since my days in college, I have always just cut my own hair with an old pair of Oster clippers that I bought while in college. There, I had learned the simple fact that food is more important than a professional haircut. In my shop, I have a 3-hp Jet dust collector that is fed via blast gates from both ducts in the floor AND via a 25' 4" flex hose that connects to the floor sweep/planer/jointer or other movable tools. Since my wife's hair is about 3" long, I thought that it'd be nice to hold the clippers inside the 4" flex pipe so that her hair would stand straight out from her head. This would make it easier to get a smooth cut, in my opinion.

For those of you continuing to read this tale of woe, here's what happened. This is absolutely true and unadulterated or exaggerated. My dear wife of 29 years, and the mother of my children, placed her rump on a stool I keep in the shop and proceeded to tell me exactly how much hair she wanted removed from the top, sides and bangs. I walked over to the DC, fired it up and closed off all but the blast gate leading to the 4" flex hose. With the old Oster clippers up inside the hose and me grasping the cutter end of them between my thumb and forefinger, I could hold the 4" flex hose with the other hand and maneuver both things easily. I leaned over my wife's pretty face and made the first cut-doing her bangs. The hair stood out perfectly from her forehead and the results of that first swipe was terrific. I figured that I would probably get some reward from a beauty college for my wonderful invention. The second swipe was from side-to-side just above and behind the bangs. It went equally well. Then all hell broke loose.

I claim that my wife moved, but she claims that claim is merely caused by the random firing of obviously defective neurons in my addled brain. For the third swipe, I had walked around to the rear of my wife's head and was beginning to make the cut across the top of her head. Regardless of the cause (I still say it had to be her fault), the darn 4" flex hose somehow sucked down onto the top of her dear, sweet head. The clippers were running full bore inside the pipe and doing the job that Mr. Oster had designed his clippers to do. The suction of a DC hose isn't great, but when even the most modest suction is spread over the area of a 4" hose (that conforms well to the shape of a wife's head), there actually is a momentary "grab." It startled my good wife, who let out with a squall and tried to stand up/kick me/ brush the 4" hose off of her head and explain how I was mentally defective all at the same time. During all this, I was attempting to knock the hose away from her head as well. I naturally succeeded in dislodging it (actually, it probably fell off on its own), but it fell to the OTHER side of her precious little head. The result was that my wife now had perfectly trimmed bangs, followed by a bald stripe that went damn near from ear-to-ear across the top of her head. Think of it as an inverted Mohawk that has been rotated 90 degrees. This was NOT what my dear wife had in mind when she asked me to trim a bit off of her hair.

This tale now goes from bad to worse, because I tried to remedy the problem by tapering the hair toward the "kerf" and shortening up the rest. Saying that my attempts to remedy the situation were unsuccessful would be like saying that Custer was unsuccessful at taming the Indians.

When that poor old woman finally got to the mirror, I knew that a personal Hell for me was at hand. It was. Now I stand just over 6', am in pretty good shape and tip the scales at almost 280#. My sweet wife and companion of all those years couldn't be over 5'-4", weighs a LOT less and has Multiple Sclerosis. However, she took one look at her new "do" and took off after me like a rabid Doberman. She runs pretty darn well when she's mad. I learned something else that afternoon. I learned that the sweet old woman had obviously been kicked out of the Marine Corps because of her foul, potty mouth. The things that woman said, and the things that she called me, have absolutely prevented her from EVER enjoying the pleasures of heaven, in my humble opinion. I got little sleep that night, since my good wife felt the need to wake me every ten minutes or so to further discuss the consternation and distress I'd caused her, and to share her emotions and feelings with me.

Since Lorena Bobbit had been in the news recently, I had very real additional reasons to remain awake and sober. We were leaving that next morning and there was no time for her to get a wig. We simply went ahead with the trip, with my wife looking (and acting) like a madwoman. Needless to say, the subject of her hair came up frequently. Whenever things would get a little boring on the cruise, I'd tell her, "Vicki, that haircut looks like crap," and it would start all over again. I tried to alleviate the tension by confidentially offering more rational explanations to inquiring folks than that she was "having a bad-hair day." I explained to our cabin steward that my wife had been in a fight with a wildcat while knife-hunting in Colorado. I told our waiter that she had almost completely overcome a terribly contagious case of head lice. A waitress in the lounge was told that medication had almost completely curbed my wife's terrible impulses with butcher knives. Generally, I'd just comment to curious folks that, "She's much calmer now that the medication is taking effect." A year later, my good wife STILL winces whenever she hears my DC winding up in the shop. The hair has grown back and is as pretty as before my "trim," but the fleeting trust that my wife has for my ability to cut hair is certainly diminished.

Respectfully submitted, Tom Gauldin

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:08 PM

*** *Blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to
a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he
yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in**** karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:10 PM

Confucius Say....

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball can not walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

BannedUser

11-02-2005, 01:23 PM

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:28 PM

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

I'll shut UP.....!

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:36 PM

Star Wars humor:
*
A furious lightsaber duel is underway.* DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.* A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand!* It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.* Luke backs away.* He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
*
Darth Vader:* Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
*
Luke:* He told me enough!* He told me you killed him!
*
Darth Vader:* No...* I am your father!
*
Luke:* No, it's not true!* It's impossible.
*
Darth Vader:* Search your feelings...* you know it to be true...
*
Luke: NO!
*
Darth Vader:* Yes, it is true...* and you know what else?* You know that brass droid of yours?
*
Luke:* Threepio?
*
Darth Vader:* Yes...* Threepio...* I built him...* when I was*seven years old...
*
Luke:* No...
*
Darth Vader:* Seven years old!* And what have you done?* Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
*
Luke:* I destroyed your precious Death Star!
*
Darth Vader:* When you were 20!* When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
*
Luke:* Well, it's not my fault...
*
Darth Vader:* Oh, here we go...* "Poor me...* my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday...* boo hoo,* my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...* waahhh waahhh!"
*
Luke:* Shut up...
*
Darth Vader:* You're a slacker!* By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
*
Luke:* I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon...
*
Darth Vader:* Oh, for the love of the Emperor...* 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open...* Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer...* right here baby!
*
Luke looks down the shaft.* Takes a step towards it.
*
Darth Vader:* I was wrong...* You're not my kid...* I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
*
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
*
Darth Vader looks after him.
*
Darth Vader:* Get a haircut!

Marcus

11-02-2005, 01:56 PM

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These are CLASSIC!

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least
how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
*
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
*
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
*
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
*
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
*
Q: In Hawaii, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
*
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
*
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
*
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
*
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
*
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
*
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
*
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
*
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
*
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
*
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
*
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough

Marcus

11-02-2005, 02:00 PM

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who*likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store,* glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of*bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and*the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant*idea.
***** I'd like some*raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and*climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is*located on the*very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly*beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised* he would.*
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get*two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.* Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view!
**** With each trip up the*ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and*down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and*thinking that she is*really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.* Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's a*quiverin."

Marcus

11-02-2005, 02:03 PM

The Stock Market...
It's been a rocky week for the Stock Market.
Here's a summary:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Ticonderoga Pencils lost a few points.
Though Elevators rose, escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
The market for raisins dried up.
Pampers remained unchanged.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Birds Eye Peas Split.
Stanley Tools filed for Chapter 11 and Scott Tissues touched a new bottom.

Marcus

11-02-2005, 03:09 PM

Kitchen Signs:

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

STEVE FROST

11-02-2005, 03:52 PM

A man his wife and mother in law go on vacation to the Holy Land. When in Israel the mother in law passed away.

The husband checks with the local undertaker to find out that it would cost $5000. to ship the body back home or $150 to bury her in Israel.

The husband states he wants to ship her back to the U.S.

The undertaker asks why he would not want to take advantage of the huge cost savings and bury her in the Holy Land.

The husband replies, a long time ago you buried a guy here and three days later he arose from the dead.
I do not want to take that chance.

25 Year Honda Owner

11-02-2005, 06:01 PM

Two fans were sitting at the bar before the Alabama/Tennessee game. The Tennessee fan turns to the Bama fan and says "nobody but football players and whores go to Alabama". The Bama fan responds, "I will have you know my wife went to Alabama". The Tennesse fan says, "what position did she play?"

oldguy

11-03-2005, 09:07 AM

Leeroy was a bad little boy thus past year and his mother asked him what he expected for christmas. Leeroy said that he wanted a red bicycle. Well the mother said that your were not a nice boy this past year but why don't you write a letter to Jesus telling him why you should have a new bike, its Jesus's birthday you know.

1st letter: Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and want a red bicycle for Christmas.

After a pause, 1st letter is krumpled and thrown away.

2nd letter: Dear Jesus, I've have been pretty good this past year and want a red bicycle for Christmas.

After a pause 2nd letter is krumpled and thrown away. and Leeroy leaves the house and goes to church. At the alter he swips a small statue of the Virgin
Mary, hidding it under his coat, he runs home.

3rd letter: Jesus this is you know who. I got your MAMA! Leave the Red bike
Christmas Day!

Webwader

11-03-2005, 09:57 AM

A Few Days Off Work!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her ..."And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Truckin'

11-03-2005, 09:01 PM

My favorite kitchen magnet:

No man was ever shot while doing dishes!

Toobuku

11-03-2005, 10:39 PM

Check out the Elastic Kid!

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html

Marcus

11-04-2005, 09:05 AM

Toobuku - the link will not open for me.:(

Marcus

11-04-2005, 09:07 AM

Got it!
Had to open it in Windows IE instead of Mozilla Firefox!

Cute.....

milehigh

11-08-2005, 03:21 PM

Chinese Meal

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what was your order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"

Webwader

11-08-2005, 04:30 PM

A little food for thought.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And Finally...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. ... Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Stone

11-08-2005, 06:16 PM

Three college studs decided they would go down to Florida for spring break. While the three of them were walking down the beach in their Speedo's, the lovely college babes were all oohing and ahhing and pointing at two of the young men. The third just couldn't figure out why the gals were so interested in them, but not him.

So later in the evening during dinner the third young man asked the other two how come they were getting all the attention. One got up and went into the bathroom and brought out the special attention device, a potato. He stated that just the right placement in the swimming speedo's would create the right
impression.

So the third young man went out to the store and bought himself a good large potato, assuring himself some attention from the gals.

The next day the third young man was up early and ready to hit the beach. He was sure it was going to be a winning day. As the three men finally got to the beach and began to walk about, all that could be heard were laughs and giggles. All the girls were indeed looking and pointing at him. But he could not figure out why they would laugh at him. He finally had enough and ran back to the hotel.

A bit later the other two studs returned to find the third alone and sulking on the sofa. He asked what had happened, and why they all laughed at him.

With just a hint of a smile, one of the men suggested that next time he put the potato in the front of his Speedo instead of in the back.

Webwader

11-09-2005, 06:00 PM

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Webwader

11-09-2005, 08:23 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8.When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Paladin

11-09-2005, 10:32 PM

:( SAD NEWS :(

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

BannedUser

11-10-2005, 05:30 AM

^^^^^^^^^^Priceless!!^^^^^^^^^^

ridgeln

11-12-2005, 05:26 AM

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Tex's Ridge

11-12-2005, 08:22 AM

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Isn't that weird? How true, most of the time.:) Nice going Fr...:)

Ultra-HOG

11-12-2005, 04:14 PM

That's fabulous Ridgeln! I love it! I'm goint to print that and post it!
Overall, I am not sure that I agree with the BS and AK part but when it is true it is very true! (No reflection on how durable they are though.)

Ultra-HOG

11-12-2005, 04:23 PM

This was sent to me recently by a business associate. SHE thought that I would enjoy it.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for$20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
>
> This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
> years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
> clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
>
> Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
> in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
> his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
> had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to
> find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
> therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
> Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
>
> Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
>
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have
given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Dnick

11-13-2005, 12:38 AM

The Lone Ranger & Tonto raced into town hot on the heels of some bad hombres. Lone Ranger jumps off his trusty steed, Trigger and is about to go into the saloon to try & get some fresh info on which way the bad guys went. . . . . and since they won't let Tonto into the saloon, he asks Tonto to take care of Trigger while he's inside.

Lone Ranger: "Trigger is pretty heated up from our run, and usually likes to cool down with a breeze, but there's no breeze here today. Why don't you run around & around Trigger while I'm in the bar Tonto. That will kick up a nice breeze & help keep him cool down." And with that, Lone Ranger heads in, orders a beer & starts asking questions.

A few minutes later, a local 'old timer' comes runnin' into the bar shouting: "Is the Lone Ranger here?"

"Yes, I'm over here" replies the Lone Ranger.

The old-timer responds: "Oh, I'm glad I found you, I was just outside, and

. . . . . . . . . . . . you left your injun' runnin' " ! ! ! !

SmokyMtnRidger

11-13-2005, 09:59 AM

A blonde was at home when a fire broke out. Excitedly she phoned the fire department to report the fire. She told them to hurry. The fire department asked her: "how do we get there?", to which she replied: "duh, big red fire truck!"

:p

Toobuku

11-13-2005, 10:55 AM

farmguy

11-13-2005, 05:46 PM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and notice that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

-Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under WARNINGS - Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Flings and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the Apologize button then Reset button as soon as a lock-up occurs. The system will run as long as you take the blame for all GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0:
Monthly use of utilities such as TLC, and frequent use of Communicator 5.0.

-Tech Support

TheRidgester

11-14-2005, 12:06 PM

This was sent to me...check it out if you have a minute

http://www.funnies.com/couple.swf

ridgeln

11-14-2005, 05:03 PM

Not Necessarily the News:
"President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance"

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold out since they are facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out, the better.

Lingered_I

11-14-2005, 07:35 PM

Three Italian nuns go to heaven and meet St Peter at the gate.
"There's a special on today ladies. You can go back to earth and live the life of any woman you want. So who is it to be?"
Nun #1: "er...Sophia Loren"
Pow!! She disappears.
Nun #2: "Madonna"
Strange for a Nun, but....bam!! she's gone
Nun #3: "Sara Pipalini"
.
.
.
St Peter: "Who the devil is Sara Pipalini?"
.
.
.
Nun #3: "I don't know but", handing Peter a newspaper cutting," it says here that she was laid by 1400 men in 6 months!"
.
.
.
St Peter: "You daft trollop, thats the Sahara Pipeline."

Boom boom, it's the way I tell 'em.

25 Year Honda Owner

11-16-2005, 12:13 PM

Now I know that all of you have been taught that Al Gore is responsible for the internet. Wrong! Here is the true story of the internet. :)

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Webwader

11-16-2005, 12:27 PM

That was a good one, 25 Year! Loved it.

TheRidgester

11-16-2005, 03:01 PM

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

With this Silver wins again:mad: But White comes to 2nd place :D

S-I-L-V-E-R
20+9+12+22+5+18 = 86

and

W-H-I-T-E
23+8+9+19+5 = 64

and

G-R-E-E-N
7+18+5+5+14 = 53

and

B-L-U-E
2+12+21+5 = 40

and

B-L-A-C-K
2+12+1+3+11 = 29

and

R-E-D
18+5+4 = 27

captmiddy

11-16-2005, 08:21 PM

With this Silver wins again:mad: But White comes to 2nd place :D

S-I-L-V-E-R
20+9+12+22+5+18 = 86

and

W-H-I-T-E
23+8+9+19+5 = 64

and

G-R-E-E-N
7+18+5+5+14 = 53

and

B-L-U-E
2+12+21+5 = 40

and

B-L-A-C-K
2+12+1+3+11 = 29

and

R-E-D
18+5+4 = 27
However is this is a weighting system then it appears Silver is heavier, and Red is lightest, which explains why Red is so fast.

SmokyMtnRidger

11-16-2005, 08:28 PM

*The Silent Treatment*
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." :D

bonerep

11-16-2005, 10:24 PM

Question: What's the differece between a mosquito and a blonde?
Answer: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it......

flymuck

11-17-2005, 07:42 AM

Question: What's the differece between a mosquito and a blonde?
Answer: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it......

Q: What's the difference between this joke and my joke about blowing your paycheck?

A: Very little. It all depends on who's paying attention and whether or not they've already decided that they like you as to whether or not you'll get publicly reprimanded for jokes related to oral s3x.

:confused:

Ultra-HOG

11-17-2005, 12:30 PM

hiPSI

11-18-2005, 07:20 AM

Question: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Answer: If it had four doors it would have to be called a chicken sedan! (groan):o

flymuck

11-18-2005, 09:10 AM

I think that this one is also in bad taste and inappropriate here.
By the way flymuck, not that it matters but you are more than Ok in my book. My opinion is that I think that these type of jokes are a bit too far over the line for this site. In this environment I find them more embarrassing than funny. Everyone is free to post whatever they want to, within the site guidelines of course, but you also have to be prepared for other members reaction and response. I don't think that it is too much to ask for everyone to be considerate of and respectful of the audience.
That is just my opinion. I don't intend or pretend to speak for anyone other than myself.

Hey Ultra-HOG, thanks. I think you're more than OK too.

The problem with a joke thread is that there are many, many types of jokes out there, and someone somewhere is bound to be offended by one of them. But personally, if I'm offended by a joke in a public venue like this, I just try to keep quiet about it, because I figure the onus is on me to be offended or not offended. There are examples of this for myself personally in this thread already, which I won't get into because that would defeat the purpose of my point.

Just remember, if life were "rated G", it would be pretty boring, don't you think? :)

I wish I could end this with a nice, clean joke, but I just can't think of any right now... at least none that fall into that category! ;) :D

bonerep

11-19-2005, 03:36 PM

If I offended anyone I'm sorry. I thought that we were all adults and liked jokes.
That's all it is a joke. Some are funny, some are bad and not everyone finds them all funny. That's what makes us different. So if you were offended SORRY.

TheRidgester

11-19-2005, 04:03 PM

Interesting facts? you decide:)

Many years ago in Scotland a new game was
invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the
word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as
the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired

by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

vortmax

11-19-2005, 04:20 PM

Interesting facts? you decide:)

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

I confess I thought about it but I didn't (try that is).

Ultra-HOG

11-21-2005, 04:56 PM

Since it's TOO EARLY for Christmas greetings, this is better suited for this thread right now - but ya gotta see this! (Copy and paste the link into your browser) Turn up the volume to listen!:D
http://members.cox.net/transam57/lights.wmv

Webwader

11-21-2005, 05:35 PM

So you won't have to cut and paste - http://members.cox.net/transam57/lights.wmv

Thanks UH, that was cool.

arteegee

11-21-2005, 05:37 PM

Pretty cool.:cool:

bonerep

11-21-2005, 05:40 PM

Hey, that was fun. Thanks

Marcus

11-22-2005, 09:04 AM

I enjoyed that .....
anyone know the name of the song?

BannedUser

11-22-2005, 09:32 AM

AWESOME. Sounds like Trans Siberian Orchestra.
Thanks Bruce!! I'm thrilled. I've seen them every year for years in concert. Phenomenal group. A must see performance.
:)

swampler

11-22-2005, 09:53 AM

dbb

11-22-2005, 10:11 AM

A few posters here own weimaraners, which reminds me of a story I heard many years ago.

A woman owned a weimaraner which one day got into a fight with another dog and sustained some nasty wounds. She took it to a vet who fixed it up, and the vet told her to keep the wounded areas shaved until they were sufficiently healed. The woman decided to use a hair-removing cream instead, which at the time was a fairly new product. She went to a pharmacy which carried it and the pharmacist tells her, "If you use it on your legs, be sure you wash it off completely before wearing stockings."

"It's not for my legs," she replies. The pharmacist then says, "If you use it on your underarms, be sure you wash it off completely before applying deodorant."

"It's not for my underarms either," she states, "it's for my weimaraner!"

Comprehension finally dawns on the pharmacist, who then says, "In that case, be sure you wash it off completely before riding a bicycle."

CBRidgeJockey

11-22-2005, 08:54 PM

a Kentucky Divorce have in common ? .:eek: ...

someone's gonna loose a mobile home:D

Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirtbag.....

TheRidgester

11-23-2005, 12:09 PM

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you think.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what ? "
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve.we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way ! "

"Yes way ! "

"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.
"Why? "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it ! "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "
"Did too ! "
"DID NOT ! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Webwader

11-23-2005, 03:59 PM

An good ole boy named Stanley was stopped recently by a game warden in Arkansas as he was returning to his truck with a bucket full of still-alive fish. "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked. The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I'm camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the truck."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations. The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. And so they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the water, where they disappeared. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish?" asked Stanley.

Oddjob

11-25-2005, 11:56 AM

One summer day the pastors and priests of a small town went to a seminar together. On their way home the car broke down, since it was so close to town they decided to push the car back, after pushing it halfway there they were totally exhaused. So they stop pushing and decided to jump in the pond for a cool dip. Each removed all his clothes and put them in the car, after a few minutes in the water one notice that the car was rolling backwards (as they had for got to set the brake) unattended, so they all jump out and started running for the car, halfway between the car and the pond a car load of folks drove by, all the men covered their priviate part, except for one who covered his face. After the car passed the others teased the fellow who covered his face, he simply replied my chruch knows my face, so it was silly to cover what they haven't seen. Ha ha ha.................

ridgeln

11-25-2005, 01:04 PM

LadyRidge -

Make sure you check out the Lakewood Project - they are a rock & roll orchestra, modelled after the Trans Siberian Orchestra (Mark Wood, founder of the TSO, made their instruments and mentored them their first year). We just had the Lakewood Project out at our HS a couple of weeks ago.

The Lakewood Project (http://www.thelakewoodproject.net/)

-ridgeln

Webwader

12-01-2005, 05:54 PM

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can"do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Ultra-HOG

12-01-2005, 05:57 PM

That is funny! :D There is much truth in humor!:rolleyes:

tadtam

12-01-2005, 07:14 PM

Local VERMONT Joke---

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion??

Are you ready for this--

DECALFINATED :D :D :D

mayfielh

12-02-2005, 09:58 AM

I thinks she's lucky she only leaked out of the front. I love a good roller coaster but the pictures of that one scare the crap out of me. :eek:

BannedUser

12-02-2005, 09:59 AM

This was emailed to me from Lady's Buck's Dad. :D

US of A, we are such an intelligent people.
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics
these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe
it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International
Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!!!!.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants
grow?(UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night inCalgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

BannedUser

12-02-2005, 10:11 AM

****** :eek: ******

TheRidgester

12-02-2005, 11:08 AM

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the US Government determines that is against the law for the words “under god” to be on our money, then so be it.

And if the same Government decides the “Ten Commandments” are not to be used in or on a government installation, then so be it

I say, “so be it” because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public’s best interests at heart.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WOULD LIKE?

Since we can’t pray to god, can’t Trust in God and cannot post his commandments in Government buildings, I don’t believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our Government is eliminating from the facets of American life.

I’d like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter. After all, it’s just another day.

I’d like the US Supreme Court to be in session on, Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it’s just another day.

I’d like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the “Christmas Break.” After all, it’s just another day.

I’m thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all Government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter. It shouldn’t cost any overtime to the Government that is trying to be “politically correct“

IN FACT…..

I think that our Government should work on Sundays (Initially set aside for worshipping God…) because; after all, our government says that it should be just another day….

WHAT DO YOU THINK????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to our minority opinions and begin, once again, to represent the ‘majority’ of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT………

Please dear lord,
Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

‘AMEN’ and ‘AMEN’

Touche!

These are defiantly things I never thought about but from now on, I will be sure to question those in Government who support these changes.

Ultra-HOG

12-02-2005, 11:42 AM

Can we get an AMEN to that! AMEN!

While that may be intended as a joke, and it is funny, I think that it it a very serious matter for everyone, believers and non-believers alike. It goes far beyond the face of what is written there. Not wanting to turn this into a political issue, as hard as it is, I will stop right here and now.

I can assure you that I will question those in Government who support these changes.

TheRidgester

12-02-2005, 11:57 AM

zero

12-02-2005, 12:34 PM

Good post TheRidgester.

Ultra-HOG

12-03-2005, 11:39 AM

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash ....

They were surprised to find in 37 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh*t!"

Only the states of Pennsylvania, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

JOZ RIDG

12-03-2005, 11:47 AM

Ultra HOG - Good one,LOL.

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
He said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

BillB

12-07-2005, 02:31 PM

The Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was strirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted
And he called dem by name

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

BillB

12-07-2005, 02:40 PM

Supposedly a true story:

>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

>
>TO: All Employees
>
>DATE: October 01, 2003
>
>RE: Christmas Party

>
>
>

>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
>place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
>the Grill House. There will be an open bar and plenty of food We'll
>have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
>And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
>Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees

>can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
>make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is
>only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that
time!

>
>Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>
>Patty

>
>
>
>
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Employees
>
>DATE: October 02, 2003

>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>
>

>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
>We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
>coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
>from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
>celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No
>Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
>enjoyment.

>
>Happy now?
>
>Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>
>Patty

>
>
>
>
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
>TO: All Employees

>
>DATE: October 03, 2003
>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>
>

>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
>happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
>reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
>to handle this?
>
>Somebody?

>
>Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the
>union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe

>$10.00 is a little chintzy.
>
>NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>

>
>
>
>
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

>
>To: All Employees
>
>DATE: October 04, 2003
>
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>
>

>What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
>Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
>daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
>a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees'

>beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
>until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take
>it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
>arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
>dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
>restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
>have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
>will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
>asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though we
>will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be

>available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
>food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
>first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

>Sorry!
>
>Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
>Patty
>
>
>
>
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

>
>TO: All F******* Employees
>

>DATE: October 05, 2003
>
>RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
>
>
>
>Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
>this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
>sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
>quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including
>organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
>scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them

>scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and

>die,
>
>The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
>DATE: October 06, 2003
>
>RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

>

>
>
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

>and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
>management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
>the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
>
>
>Happy Holidays!

Ultra-HOG

12-07-2005, 04:15 PM

LOL! LOL! BillB, That IS funny, if you don't allow yourself to take it too seriously! Unfortunately, there are those think that that all of that crap is the right thing to do. LOL, again! Whoever gets credit for spoiling everyone elses enjoyment and fun, wins! NOT!
Care to join my club - the CRAP-C Club? Citizens Rallying Against P-C. There are no dues, because some people can't afford to pay dues and it wouldn't be fair to those that can't, so we don't have any. We have applied for federal grants to keep the mission alive, but I have to tell you, its tough going. Seems the Feds are getting a lot of pressure from somebody to keep us down, and they just don't want to hear that it's not fair from us! You don't have to register, because it wouldn't be fair if some people were registered members and others were not, it might hurt their feelings, so there is no registration. There are no minimum requirements to join, because no matter how minimum they were, as hard as we tried, somebody would left out, and we wouldn't want that, now would we? However, we are considering some maximum requirements. If you are above the maximum, you will be required to do whatever is necessary to bring yourself down in order to be eligible to join. After all, that's the only way to make things fair for everyone, right? There are no meetings either. You guessed it, there is no date that works for everyone. So join the good fight! We know that you will be joining countless millions of people. We really don’t know exactly how many there are because, well, you remember that registration thing. The only thing that we hope that you will do is to wear the Holiday button that is included in your membership kit. That is the one that says:

iROC

12-07-2005, 05:45 PM

Okay, this is a true story...

I'm sitting on my back porch one late summer afternoon and Sarah, the little girl next door came outside.

"Hi Sarah. How are you?"
"Good. I'm going to be a princess when I grow up."
"That's great, Sarah, but why not a queen."
"What's a queen."
"A queen has more power than a princess."
"What's power."
"The queen can tell the princess what to do."
"Oh!', she exclaimed, "Like mommy tells daddy what to do?"

ridgeln

12-07-2005, 08:54 PM

TEACHER vs. EDUCATORS...

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY . . .

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

tadtam

12-07-2005, 10:01 PM

First Christmas Joke of the Year

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're
bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the
pearly gates.

The third man started searching
desperately through his pockets and finally pulled
out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow
and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 09:50 AM

Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?

A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question: "Did God create everything that exists?"
A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."
The student became quiet and did not respond to the professor's hypothetical definition.
The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Judeo/Christian tradition was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The other students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature.. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct?
Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as the class has already said.
We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of good. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of good. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart.
It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 09:51 AM

Subject: NEW CHURCH

The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve. They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.

On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.

The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?" The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or her home again. The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike. He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was
arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years in between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier.
He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

True Story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot!
All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this. "Father, God, bless all my friends and family in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! May their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 09:53 AM

God provides

THE PASTOR'S CAT

This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then
was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:04 AM

Subject: Rules for work

> 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
> bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
> 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
> minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover
> behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
> 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
> me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
> 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
> open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
> and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever
> be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
> 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
> priority. I am psychic.
> 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
> nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
> 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
> could mean a promotion.
> 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
> popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
> 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
> In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
> with useful information.
> 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
> know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
> refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
> 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
> change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
> 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
> to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about
> having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being
> such a good manager.
> 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
> have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
> increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:06 AM

NOT A JOKE BUT GREAT ANYWAYS

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well Not only was the money big, but also Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block. Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars and a good education. Nothing was withheld.. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.

Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name and a good example..

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he would ever pay.

Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion and a poem clipped from a magazine..

The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once And no man has the power To tell just when the hands will stop At late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold, a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault.

He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor. A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.

It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:20 AM

Two traveling angels

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night
in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels
stay in the mansion's guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in
the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the
older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel
replied,

"Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house
of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his
wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple
let the angels sleep in their bed where they could
have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels
found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole
income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the
older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him,
she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to
share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older
angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I
noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the
wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and
unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the
wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed,
the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him
the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things
don't turn out the way they should. If you have
faith, you just need to trust that every out come
is always to your advantage. You just might not
know it until some time later...
Oooo
Some people ( )
come into our lives ) /
and quickly go.. (_ /

oooO
( ) Some people
\ ( become friends
\_ ) and stay awhile...

leaving beautiful Oooo
footprints on our ( )
hearts... ) /
( _/

oooO
( ) and we are
\ ( never
\_ ) quite the same
because we have
made a good
friend!!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!

I think this is special...live and savor every
moment... This is not a dress rehearsal!

(\ /)
( \ __ / )
( \()/ )
( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
/ \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU

--

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:21 AM

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE
>>
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar ... and the coffee.
>>
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
>>
>> He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
>>
>> So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
>>
>> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."
>>
>> The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
>>
>> "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
>>
>> The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.
>>
>> "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have room for the things that are important. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your wife/husband/kids out to dinner. Maybe even play another 18. There's always time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
>>
>> Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
>> Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
>>
>> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
>>
>> Please share this with someone you care about.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:22 AM

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screa! ! med. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:26 AM

Subject: Fw: Have we gone too far??

As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view ... it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW?

As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW?

As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall,
right above where the Supreme Court judges sit,
a display of the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW?

There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW?

James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement:

"We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

DID YOU KNOW?

Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said:

"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ".

DID YOU KNOW?

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW?

Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW?

Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law . an oligarchy ..
the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW?

The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said:

"Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn't. Now it is your turn...

It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having the 10 commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance.

If you agree, pass this on, if not simply delete. .

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:27 AM

> > A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where
> > God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and
> > a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.
> >
> > When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was
> > sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down
> > next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink
> > from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry,
> > so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled
> > at him.
> >
> > Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again he
> > offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was
> > delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they
> > never said a word.
> >
> > As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got
> > up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned
> > around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him
> > her biggest smile ever.
> >
> > When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later,
> > his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face.
> > She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"
> > He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could
> > respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful
> > smile I've ever seen!"
> >
> > Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her
> > home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he
> > asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?"
> >
> > She replied! "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However,
> > before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger
> > than I expected."
> >
> > Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind
> > word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of
> > caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
> >
> > People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime!
> >
> > Embrace all equally.
> >
> > Have lunch with God........bring chips.
> >
> > God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar. You may be going
> > through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you
> > in a way that only He can. Keep the faith. My instructions were to
> > pick four people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you.
> >
> > This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we
> > receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.
> > Let's continue to pray for one another.
> >
> > Here is the prayer:
> >
> > Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies
> > reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and
> > power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this
> > very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.
> > Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace.
> > Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings.
> >
> > In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:29 AM

Subject: The Quiet Sermon

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services
regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church.

After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man
at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his
Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near
the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he
contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs.

After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a
brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.

Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in
quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished,
there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more.

Soon it was cold and lifeless.

The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave,
he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the
middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light
and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear
running down his cheek, "Thank you for your visit and for the fiery sermon. I
will be back in church next Sunday."

We live in a world today which tries to say too much with too little.
Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left
unspoken.

A man may go to heaven...... without health, without wealth; without fame,
without a great name, without learning, without earnings; without culture,
without beauty; without friends and without ten thousand other
things-----

But he can NEVER go to Heaven without Christ.

Sometimes the best conversation between two people, is when nothing is
said at all.

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the
impossible!

Sent to you In Love, like unto that of my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.
May God Bless You!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:32 AM

{a word to the wise...}

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:39 AM

The Rock

There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Hwy. 25 in rural Iowa. For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times. A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed. It's quite an impressive sight. Click on the link below and check for yourself. Be sure to scroll down and check out the multiple photos (all angles) of the rock.
P.S. the flag isn't draped over the rock, it's actually painted on the rock too.
>
copy and paste url below.

> http://www.ticz.com/homes/users/bob/On-A-Rock/On-A-Rock.htm

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:41 AM

1st Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second
person. What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take
his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up on the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you
took for the first question.

2nd Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

3rd Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add
30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?

4th Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question
again

SEND THIS TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:42 AM

Subject: Too much time.

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:45 AM

Subject: The Saga of the One Dollar Bill

A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a
fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.

The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."

Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."

So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the
fifty?"

"Well, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, The Episcopal Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church, the Amish Church, the Orthodox Church, the Assembly of God Church, the Brethren Church, the Quaker Church, the Disciples Church, the Pentecostal Church, the Charismatic Church, the Mennonite Church the Church of Christ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:47 AM

DID YOU EVER HAVE THIS PROBLEM?

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the
few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before
the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed
the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the
dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from
the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone
to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:48 AM

This is beautiful!!! Subject: TAPS

TAPS

We in the United States have all heard the haunting song, "Taps." It's
the song that gives us that lump in our throats and tears in our eyes.

But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will
be interested to learn about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army
Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in
Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow

strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and

bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier

and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate

soldier, but the soldier was dead.

The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb
with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke
out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out

of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a
series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of
the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted.

The haunting melody we now know as "Taps" ... used at military funerals
was born. The words are ...

Day is done ... Gone the sun ... From the lakes ... From the hills ...
From the sky ... All is well … Safely rest ... God is nigh ...

Fading light ... Dims the sight ... And a star ... Gems the sky ...
Gleaming bright ... From afar ... Drawing nigh ... Falls the night ...

Thanks and praise ... For our days ... Neath the sun ... Neath the stars
...Neath the sky ... As we go ... This we know ... God is nigh ...

I, too, have felt the chills while listening to "Taps" but I didn’t know the words of the song or its background until now. I now have an even
deeper respect for this beautiful piece of music.

REMEMBER OUR MILITARY TODAY!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:49 AM

Subject: Does one of these describe someone you know?

THESE ARE QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS-

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-botton and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
More of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."

10. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the
better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
It all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"!

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using
it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
ain't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:51 AM

THE SMELL OF RAIN
> >
> > At the end of this story, it gives you two options.. I think you will
> >figure out what option I chose.
> >
> >A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor
> > walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still
> >groggy
> >from
> >surgery. Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves
> >for the latest news.
> >
> >That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only
> >24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver the
> > couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing. At 12 inches long and weighing
> >only one pound and nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously
> >premature.
> >
> >Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs. "I don't think she's
> >going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could. "There's only a
> >10-percent
> >chance she will live thro! ugh the night, and even then, if by some slim
> >chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one". Numb
> >with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the
> >devastating problems Dana would likely face if she
> >survived. She would never walk, she would never talk, she would
> >probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic
> >conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and
> >on.
> >
> > "No! No!" was all Diana could say. She and David, with their 5-year-old
> >son
> >Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become
a
> >family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping
> >away.
> >
> >Through the dark hours of morning as Dana held onto life by the thinnest
> >thread, Diana slipped in and out of sleep, growing more and more
> >determined that their tiny daughter would live and live to be a healthy,
> >happy young girl.
> >
> >But David, fully awake and listening to additional dire details of their
> >daughter's chances of ever leaving the hospital alive, much less
> >healthy, knew he must confront his wife with the inevitable. David walked
> >in and said that we needed to talk about making funeral arrangements.
Diana
> >felt so bad for him because he was doing everything to try to include her
> >in
> >what was going on, but she just wouldn't listen, She couldn't listen.
> >She said, "No, that is not going to happen, no way! I
> >don't care what the doctors say.! Dana is not going to die!
> >One day she will be just fine, and she will be coming home with us!"
> >
> >As if willed to live by Diana's determination, Dana clung to life hour
> >after hour, with the help of every medical machine and marvel
> >her miniature body could endure. But as those first days passed, a new
> >agony
> >set in for David and Diana. Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system
> >was
> >essentially 'raw,' the
> >lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't
> >even cradle their
> >tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love.
> >All
> >they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in
the
> >tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their
> >precious
> >little girl. There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
> >
> >But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and
> >an ounce of strength there. At last, when Dana turned two months old,
> >her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time.
> >And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn
> >that
> >her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were
> >next
> >to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had
> >predicted.
> >
> >Today, five years later, Dana is a petite but feisty young girl with
> >glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She shows no
> >signs whatsoever of any men! tal or physical impairment. Simply, she is
> >everything a little girl can be and more. But that
> >happy ending is far from the end of her story.
> >
> >One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in
> >Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the
> >bleachers of a local ball park
> >where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
> >
> >As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and
> >several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent.
> >Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?
"
> >Smelling
> >the air and detecting the approach of a
> >thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."
> >
> >Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?" Once
> >again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It
> >smells like rain."
> >Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin
> >shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like
> >Him. It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."
> >
> >Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play
> >with the other children. Before the rains came, her daughter's words
> >confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing
> >family had known, at least in their hearts, all along. During those long
> >days
> >and nights of her first two months of her life, her nerves were too
> >sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it
> >is
> >His
> >loving scent & that she remembers so well.
> >
> >You now have 1 of 2 choices.
> >You can either pass this on and let other people catch the
> >chills like you did, or you can delete this and act like it didn't touch
> >your heart like it did mine. IT'S YOUR CALL!
> >
> >"I can do all things in Him who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)
> >Smell the rain.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:53 AM

Subject: The Sneeze

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three

Students filing into the already crowded auditorium.
With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps,
They looked almost as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms
freely brushed away tears.
This class would not pray during the commencements
----- not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the
guidelines allowed by the ruling.
They gave inspirational and challenging speeches,
but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on
the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....
until the final speech received a standing ovation.....
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone.
He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,

"GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!"

And he walked off the stage...
The audience exploded into applause.
The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future
with or without the court's approval.
Isn't this a wonderful story?
Pass it on to all your friends.........

and GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:56 AM

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years old.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most recognized brand names nationwide: Marlboro,
Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)
feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was
William Jefferson Clinton. (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!)
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 10:57 AM

I recieved this from a God friend and thought it worthy of forwarding. I hope you all have a Blessed weekend and do get out and back to nature for at least a little while.
Bob

Satan's Meeting
(Read it, even if you're busy, especially if you're too busy)

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons. In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their savior. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered Dish dinners, but steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ."

"This is what I want you to do", said the devil. "Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!

"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.

"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered:

a..Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.

b.. Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles.

c.. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!

d.. Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that 'still, small voice.'

e.. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive...to keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their homes and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ.

f.. Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes.

g.. Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives.

h.. Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night. Give them headaches too! If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere. That will fragment their families quickly!

i.. Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas.

j.. Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death.

k.. Even in their recreation, let them be excessive...have them return from their recreation exhausted. Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead.

l.. Keep them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, they will leave with troubled consciences.

m.. Crowd their lives with so many good causes that they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause.

'It will work! It will work!!"

It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to have little time for their God or their families, and to have little or no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives. I guess the question is, has the devil been successful at his scheme? You be the judge! Does "busy" mean:

B-eing

U-nder

S-atan's

Y-oke?

Pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:00 AM

Subject: I hope all liberals understand this.

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for
maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training
session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the
Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of
their belief systems.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The
Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a
video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and
answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:
"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and
clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels
of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all
Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can
you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation,
he replied, "Non-believers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of
Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so
they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command
to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the
cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope
John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr.
Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!"

The Imam was speechless.

I continued, "I also have a problem with being your friend when you and
your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask
you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill
me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you
because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

Senders words: Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the
'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of
dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the
Muslim's beliefs. I think everyone in the US should be required to read
this, but with the liberal justice system, liberal media, and the ACLU,
there is no way this will be widely publicized.

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader
in prison ministry.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:00 AM

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:02 AM

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,

And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,

Both my joys and sorrows I stored,

But though the gold became heavier each day,

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,

I wanted to find out why,

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,

"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"

He smiled a gentle smile and said,

"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,

Why the gold and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,

The black is for you to let go."

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.

Send this to a friend today just to let them know you

are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life.

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.

It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.

But the treasure inside for you to see,

Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.

Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you..

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:04 AM

Amazing - makes me feel small, insignificant, but very special that God should care for me.

Florida State University, Tallahassee, Florida, has put up an interesting Java applet on its site. It begins as a view of the Milky Way Galaxy viewed from a distance of 10 million light years, then zooms in towards Earth in powers of 10 of distance. 10 million, to 1 million, to 100,000 light years and so on - then it finally reaches a large oak tree leaf. But that is not all - it zooms in to the leaf until it reaches to the level of the quarks viewed at 100 attometers. This is a fantastic representation of how magnificent the Universe is and how vastly infinite it is both in the macroscopic and the microscopic level. How can anyone doubt the existence of a supreme being?
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:08 AM

Subject: Not what you meant to say

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...or that you

could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials

of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much

do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never

went back. My husband didn't say a word... he

knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds

of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type

I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking

gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he

could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him

and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a

store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we

were looking at the display case, the boy behind the

counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,

I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to l

augh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler

decided to release some pent-up energy and ran

amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after

receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other

patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished. To my horror,

she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last

night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of

the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard

when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many

times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with

potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we

stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked

him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh

Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you

didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW

that he must have had an accident, because the smell was

getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled

up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel

better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd had for awhile!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in

the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens

when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was

supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the

set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:11 AM

Fw: Blue Cross Recommends

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's
test results. The lab technician says to him: "I'm sorry,
sir but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a
problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to
the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent
as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.

Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news!"

What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well....one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's,
and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which your wife's test is."

"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test
over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and
they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your
wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home,
don't sleep with her."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:12 AM

Subject: To my smartest friends

I sent this only to my smartest friends.

No cheating!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All Done? Check your answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

*Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:14 AM

Subject: Church signs

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

"Under same management for over 2000 years."

"Soul food served here."

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"Christians, keep the faith -- but not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the
devil's orchard."

"To belittle is to be little."

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in
you."

"God answers kneemail."

"Get an after life."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:15 AM

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 11:16 AM

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.** All of
a* sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At that, the sky clouded above his head and in booming voice, the Lord
said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant* you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I* can drive over anytime I
want."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic.* Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports require reaching
the bottom of the Pacific!* Think of the concrete and steel it* would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish -- a
wish you think would honor and glorify Me."

The man thought about it for a long time.* Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women:* I want to know* how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

STEVE FROST

12-08-2005, 12:55 PM

Not so much a joke as a thought we should ponder.

The Mexican Fisherman.

A boat docked in a tiny mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

Not long , "ansewerd the fisherman.

But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked,"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."

The American interrupted, " I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat"

And after that? " asked the Mexican

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotioate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

How long would that take? " asked the Mexican?

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

" And after that? asks the Mexican.

Afterwards? " Well my Friend , that's when it gets really interesting," ansewered the American, laughing. " When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that? Asked the Mexican?

"After that you will be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends"

Enjoy life and the people around you, it will make you richer.

flymuck

12-08-2005, 01:32 PM

Excellent stuff, RCU and Steve!

Kellcut

12-08-2005, 01:40 PM

Ultra-HOG

12-08-2005, 01:53 PM

STEVE FROST and Ridgeline Crime Unit, I can't tell you which one I liked the best. They are all excellent! I enjoyed every one.
Please keep them coming! You're on a roll!
Thanks!:)

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 03:51 PM

> > Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
> > perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
> >
> > Their life together was, of course, perfect.
> >
> > One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
> > their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at
> > the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
> > stopped to help.
> >
> > There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
> > disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
> > loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
> > along delivering the toys.
> >
> > Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
> > couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
> > the accident.
> >
> > Question: Who was the survivor?
> > (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
> > existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
> > and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
> >
> >
> > **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
> > scrolling.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
> > have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
> >
> >
> > Men Keep scrolling
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
> > illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:03 PM

Injury Claim

A farmer who has been involved in a terrible

road accident with a large truck ended up in

court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand your claiming damages for the

injuries you supposed to have suffered?"

Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding

his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet

I have a signed police statement that says that

when the attending police officer asked you how

you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better

in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but..." stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," council

interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's council to ask

him questions. "Please tell the court the exact

circumstance of events following the accident

when you made your statement of health," his

lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident

my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg

and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop

comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots

him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him

and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over

to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate,

what the hell would you have said to him?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Actual Signs Posted By Businesses

Sign on an electrician's truck:

Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop:

We are open on labor day.

On a Front Door:

Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On a Maternity Room Door:

Push, Push, Push

Non-smoking area:

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and

take appropriate action

Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the

right place.

Scientist's Door:

Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:

We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window:

Time wounds all heels.

Sign on Fence:

Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel:

Help! We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window:

Pleased to meat you.

Sign in an office:

We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company:

We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However,

if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop:

Dye now!

Garbage Truck:

We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store:

Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and

be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley:

Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria:

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat

any place they want.

Music Library:

Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home:

Drive carefully, we'll wait.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Class Clock

The rules at a particular university were such that if the

professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes

past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the

students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing

a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which

"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.

As it were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated

construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if

one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would

cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to

take target practice at the clock (this particular professor

was not the most punctual, and the students considered

him severely "absent-minded"). A few well- aimed erasers,

and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the

professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and

told the class, "You have one hour to complete the examination".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from

around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had

successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he ended

the class and collected the exam papers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the

answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried?
2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard

the ark?
3. How many months have 28 days?
4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?
5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?
6. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg

roll to the left side or to the right side?
7. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles

per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per

hour, which way will the smoke blow?
8. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?

ANSWERS:

1. You don't bury survivors.
2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did.
3. All twelve of them.
4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods.
5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC.
6. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do.
7. Electric trains don't blow smoke.
8. The outside.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her

kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling

and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When

the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She

almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,

they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,

they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it

was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

together they worked to get the boots back on - this time

on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her

tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why

didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she

struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made

me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet

again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed

them in the toes of my boots..."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,

who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands

him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just

bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it

and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile

and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's

table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his

nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have,

meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards

the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he

tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal

and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner

mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm

the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the

blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says,

"That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with

broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner

thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells

his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's

going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner

see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife,

"Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the

blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As

the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready

and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I

already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff

and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:06 PM

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.

"No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

MY WISH FOR YOU...

Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:06 PM

George and Sarah

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her

enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new

member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup
truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there

would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny -- he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Sarah's house and left it there all night.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:09 PM

OBITUARY (The Times, 10/20/03)

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure earlier this year. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn),
reliable parenting strategies
(the adults are in charge, not the kids),
and it's okay to come in second
(or even last, as long as your best efforts were given).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the
"if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it! virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, a woman who was stupid enough not to realize that coffee is hot, and was awarded a huge pay out for her stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in the towel.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his
parents Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers:
My Rights and lma Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few had realized that he was gone.

1 Complainer

+ 1 Opinionated Judge

= The End Of Common Sense

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:09 PM

Grandma' s Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while she was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me
company and make me feel so good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, but the picture was horrible. She started
adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to the door. When
he opened it, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,
"Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:13 PM

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn

checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window

and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a

damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen. "This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said. "What do you mean?" "You know. That part about 'deliver us from E-mail.' "

My Favorite Advice...

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.

Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Don't pick up that mess!!! It's Saturday...relax and have a great day!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages."Momma, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explaining to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:14 PM

TRY THIS & ITS AWE-INSPIRING

Place your mouse on the X below...Drag your mouse from the X below to the O. See what happens.........

X EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE HIM...GOD IS THERE! O

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:17 PM

Subject: Airline funnies
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 16:30:07 -0500

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. Incidentally, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Have A Great Day!! And Most of All Smile, You'll Feel Better!!

Ultra-HOG

12-08-2005, 04:17 PM

I love it!:D These are good!:)

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:21 PM

New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. Enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God
--------------------------------------------------
We need to talk.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Follow me.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
My way is the highway.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Need directions?
-God
--------------------------------------------------
You think it's hot here?
-God
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God
--------------------------------------------------
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
---------------------------------------------------------------
(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there.
-God

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:23 PM

This is a statement that was read over the PA system at the football game at Roane County High School, Kingston, Tennessee, by school Principal, Jody McLoud, on September 1, 2000. I thought it was worth sharing with the world and hope you will forward it to all your friends. It shows clearly just how far this country has gone in the wrong direction.

"It has always been the custom at Roane County High School football games, to say a prayer and play the National Anthem, to honor God and Country."

Due to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I am told that saying a Prayer is a violation of Federal Case Law. As I understand the law at this time, I can use this public facility to approve of sexual perversion and call it "an alternate lifestyle," and if someone is offended, that's OK.

I can use it to condone sexual promiscuity, by dispensing condoms and calling it, "safe sex." If someone is offended, that's OK.

I can even use this public facility to present the merits of killing an unborn baby as a "viable means of birth control." If someone is offended, no problem.

I can designate a school day as "Earth Day" and involve students in activities to worship religiously and praise the goddess "Mother Earth" and call it "ecology."

I can use literature, videos and presentations in the classroom that depict people with strong, traditional Christian convictions as "simple minded" and "ignorant" and call it "enlightenment."

However, if anyone uses this facility to honor God and to ask Him to bless this event with safety and good sportsmanship, then Federal Case Law is violated.

This appears to be inconsistent at best, and at worst, diabolical. Apparently, we are to be tolerant of everything and anyone, except God and His Commandments.

Nevertheless, as a school principal, I frequently ask staff and students to abide by rules with which they do not necessarily agree. For me to do otherwise would be inconsistent at best, and at worst, hypocritical. I suffer from that affliction enough unintentionally. I certainly do not need to add an intentional transgression.

For this reason, I shall "Render unto Caesar that which is

Caesar's," and refrain from praying at this time.

"However, if you feel inspired to honor, praise and thank God and ask Him, in the name of Jesus, to bless this event, please feel free to do so. As far as I know, that's not against the law----yet."

One by one, the people in the stands bowed their heads, held hands with one another and began to pray.

They prayed in the stands. They prayed in the team huddles. They prayed at the concession stand and they prayed in the Announcer's Box!

The only place they didn't pray was in the Supreme Court of the United States of America - the Seat of "Justice" in the "one nation, under God."

Somehow, Kingston, Tennessee remembered what so many have forgotten. We are given the Freedom OF Religion, not the Freedom FROM Religion.

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of Me before men, then I will be ashamed of you before My Father."

Please, pass this on, but only if you mean it.

Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing, but with Him, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:24 PM

A friend in the Philippines sent this to me. I thought you would appreciate it.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him,
and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue
him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives,
even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground it just may be a smoke
signal that summons the grace of God. For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer:

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 &
Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians :30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:24 PM

HARLEY FANS HERE YA GO...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter spoke to Arthur, "Your motorcycles have changed the world so I'm going to give you a special reward. You can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about his reward for only a moment and quickly answered, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter ushered Arthur into the Throne Room where he was
face to face with God. God looked at Arthur and said, "So you are the one who invented Motorcycles!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

"Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
unstable, makes a lot of noise, creates pollution, and needs a road to function best?" God commented.

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse
me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," Arthur said , "Professional to professional, you
have some major design flaws in your invention as well.

First, there is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions, second, It chatters constantly, third, most
of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, fourth,
the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and fifth,
the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," God
said as he walked toward His celestial super-computer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:25 PM

CIA INTELLIGENCE REPORT:

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be
called "towel heads."

The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet;
so, from now on, please call them "Little sheet heads."

Thank you for your support.

Ultra-HOG

12-08-2005, 04:25 PM

I'm right there with you on"Obituary" - post #215!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:26 PM

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, were excited about
their decision to get married.

While they were taking a leisurely stroll to discuss the
wedding, they passed a drugstore. Jacob thought it
would be a good idea for them to look at what the store
stocked since it was close to where they would be living.

They entered the drug store and Jacob addressesd the
man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answered, "Yes."

"We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do."

"How about medicine for circulation?"

"All kinds."

"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

"Definitely."

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, a large variety. The works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

"Absolutely."

"You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

Jacob and Rebecca moved away from the counter, huddled together for the moment, and then Jacob said to the pharmacist,
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:27 PM

SIGNS

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and
killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign
seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends
out the county workers and they
put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and
called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer
John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd
better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks !!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:29 PM

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a " professional. " Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer)Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take
out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.This tests your
ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The King of the Forest is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there.This tests your memory.OK, even if you did not answer the
first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your
true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting.This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.According to
Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested
got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:31 PM

Have you tasted my Jesus? At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day." It is a day when all the Baptists in the area are invited to the school because they want the Baptist dollars to keep coming in. On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area. Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center. One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr. Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection, the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo -- because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact, never rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any questions. After about 30 seconds, an elderly preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium.

"Doctor Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him. He reached into his sack lunch, pulled out an apple, and began eating it. "Doctor Tillich ... CRUNCH, MUNCH...my question is a simple question...CRUNCH, CRUNCH...Now, I ain't never read them books you read... CRUNCH, MUNCH...and I can't recite the scriptures in the original Greek...CRUNCH, MUNCH... I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger." ...CRUNCH, MUNCH. He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate -- was it bitter or sweet?" Dr. Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple." The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus." The 1,000 plus in attendance could not contain themselves. The auditorium erupted with applause and cheers. Dr. Tillich thanked his audience and promptly left the platform. Have you tasted Jesus? Please pass this on Saints! He has risen...and He's coming back one day! "O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." (Psalm 34:8)

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:32 PM

Wisdom from Grandpa

~ Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

~ Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt that he forgets his sugar.

~ Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

~ When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

~ If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never become an old nag.

~ Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder
that brides often blush.

~ On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past, but
never the present.

~ A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the
washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna
work."

~ Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make
beds and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

~ Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding
anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?"
"Naw," said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for somethin' that
happened 50 years ago?"

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:32 PM

Dear Lord:
>
> I pray for........
> Wisdom to understand my man,
> Love to forgive him, and
> Patience for his moods.
> Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
> I'll beat him to death.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:33 PM

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends
10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

Ultra-HOG

12-08-2005, 04:35 PM

I don't know where you are getting these from, but they are all outstanding! I am not getting anything done that I should be, but I am enjoying every one of them!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:36 PM

Read the following only if you want to get mad. Everything is true the places to look it is listed...

Americas Top 20 Facts of Law -

1. The IRS is not a U.S Government Agency. It is an Agency of the
IMF. (Diversified Metal Products v. IRS et al. CV-93-405E-EJE
U.S.D.C.D.I., Public Law 94-564, Senate Report 94-1148 pg. 5967,
Reorganization Plan No. 26, Public Law 102-391.)

2. The IMF is an Agency of the UN (Black's Law Dictionary 6th Ed. Pg. 816)

3. The U.S has not had a treasury since 1921. (41 Stat. Ch.214 pg. 654)

4. There are no Judicial courts in America and there has not been
since 1789. Judges do not enforce Statues and Codes. Executive
Administrators enforce Statues and Codes. (FRC v. GE 281 US 464, Keller
v. PE 261 US 428, 1 Stat. 138-178)
http://caselad.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&vol=261&invol=428

5. There have not been any Judges in America since 1789. There
has just been Administrators. ( FRC v. GE 281 US 464, Keller v. PE 261 US
428 1Stat. 138-178)

6. New York is defined in the Federal Regulations as the United
Nations. Rudolph Gullani stated on C-Span that "New York City was the
capital of the World" and he was correct. (20 CFR chapter 111, subpart B
422. 103 (b) (2) (2) (Also check out Rev. 18 in reference to 911)

7. You own no property, slaves can't own property. Read the Deed
to the property that you think is yours. You are listed as a Tenant.
(Senate Document 43. 73rd Congress 1st Session)

8. You can not use the Constitution to defend yourself because
you are not a party to it. (Padelford Fay & Co. v. The Mayor and Alderman
of The City of Savannah 14 Georgia 438, 520)

9. The King of England financially backed both sides of the
Revolutionary war. ( Treaty at Versailles July 16, 1782, Treaty of Peace
8 Stat 80)

10. America is a British Colony. (The UNITED STATES is a corporation,
not a land mass and it existed before the revolutionary war and the
British troops did not leave until 1796) Respublica v. Sweers 1 Dallas
43, Treaty of Commerce 8 Stat 116, The Society for Propagating the
Gospel, &C. V. New Haven 8 Wheat 464, Treaty of Peace 8 Stat 80, IRS
Publication 6209, Articles of Association October 20, 1774.)

11. Britain is owned by the Vatican. ( Treaty of 1213)

12. The Pope can abolish any law in the United States. ( Elements of
Ecclesiastical Law Vol. 1 53-54)

13. We are slaves and own absolutely nothing not even what we think
are our children. (Tilman v. Roberts 108 So. 62, Van Koten v. Van Koten
154 N.E. 146, Senate Document 43 & 73rd Congress 1st Session, Wynehammer
v. People 13 N.Y. REP 378, 481)

14. "The People" does not include you and me. (Barron v. Mayor &
City Council of Baltimore. 32 U.S. 243)

15. It is not the duty of the police to protect you. Their job is to
protect the Corporation and arrest code breakers. Sapp v. Tallahasee, 348
So. 2nd. 363, Reiff v. City of Philadelphia, 477 F.Supp. 1262, Lynch v.
N.C. Dept of Justice 376 S.E. 2nd. 247.

16. Everything in the "UNITED STATES is For Sale: roads, bridges,
schools, hospitals, water, prisons, airports, etc. I wonder who bought
Klamath lake. Did anyone take the time to check? (Executive Order 12803)

17. We are Human capital. ( executive Order 13037)

18. The FCC, CIA, FBI, NASA and all of the other alphabet gangs were
never part of the UNITED STATES government. Even though the "US
Government" held shares of stock in various Agencies. (U.S. V. Strang .
254 US 491 . Lewis v. US, 680 F.2d, 1239)
http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&vol=254&invol=491

19. A 1040 form is for tribute paid to Britain. (IRS Publication 6209
IMF decoding manual)

20. We are enemies of the State (Trading with the Enemy Act 1933 Act
of 1917 & 1933). Trading with the Enemy Act 1933 Act of 1917 & 1933
(People Declared the Enemy) Oct. 6, 1917, under the Trading with the
Enemy Act, Section 2, subdivision ( c ) , Chapter 106 - Enemy defined
"other than citizens of the United States." March 9, 1933, Chapter 106,
Section 5, subdivision (b) of the Trading with the Enemy Act of Oct.6
1917 (40 Stat. L. 411) amended as follows ". any person within the United
States.." H.R 1491 Public No.1.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:37 PM

Quote of the day:

"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans will not to go to war!"

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:39 PM

Sandstorms (Originally written 4-10-03)

I am sure that all of you heard about the sandstorm in Iraq Tuesday and Wednesday
(the worst in 100 years some say) and the drenching rain that followed the next day.

Our troops were bogged down and couldn't move effectively. The media was already wondering if the troops were in a "quagmire" and dire predictions of gloom and doom came from the left wing media.

What they didn't report was that yesterday, after the weather had cleared, the Marine group that was mired the worst looked out at the plain they were just about to cross.

What did they see? Hundreds if not thousands of antitank and antipersonnel mines had been uncovered by the wind and then washed off by the rain.

If they had proceeded as planned, many lives would have undoubtedly been lost. As it was, they simply drove around them
and let the demolition teams destroy them. Praises be to His mighty name!

Thank you God, for protecting our young men!

One person once asked George Washington if he thought God was on his side. His reply is reported to be, "It is not that God should be on our side, but that we be on His."

P.S. In God we trust!

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:42 PM

Pulled by media and wasnt shown again.

It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.

There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!

He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"

Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir."

The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?"

"No, sir," continued Ollie.

"No? And why not?" the senator asked.

"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."

"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.

"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.

"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.

At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.

"Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered.

"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.

"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."

The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip.

By the way, that senator was Al Gore

Also:

Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners."

However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands, The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.

Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports.

If you agree that the American public must be made aware of this fact, pass this on.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:44 PM

God Won't ask ....
>
>
>-God won't ask what kind of car you drove, but He'll
>ask how many people you drove who didn't have
>transportation.
>
>-God won't ask the square footage of your house, but
>He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
>
>-God won't ask about the clothes you had in your
>closet, but He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
>God won't ask what your highest salary was, but He'll
>ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
>
>-God won't ask what your job title was, but He'll ask
>if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
>
>-God won't ask how many friends you had, but He'll ask
>how many people to whom you were a friend.
>
>-God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, but
>He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
>
>-God won't ask about the color of your skin, but He'll
>ask about the content of your character.
>
>-God won't ask why it took you so long to seek
>Salvation, but He'll lovingly take you to your mansion
>in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
>
>-God won't ask how many people you forwarded this too,
>but He'll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to
>your friends.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:44 PM

Why the chicken crossed the road.

George W. Bush - Because it received a coded Internet message from it's al
Queda operative in Iraq. Rest assured that your government is doing
everything in it's power to keep Americans safe from renegade chickens. We
will soon bring to justice those parties responsible. God bless America!

Al Gore - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

Bill Clinton - I DID NOT see the chicken cross the road. I have no
recollection of that incident. I never had ### with that chicken!

Ralph Nader - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had
been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed
by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan - To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Rush Limbaugh - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet
it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone
out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this
can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Martha Stewart - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the farmer's market to see my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Jerry Falwell - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side. That's what they call it - the other side. yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side."

Dr. Seuss - did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not be told!

Ernest Hemingway - To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King, Jr. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.

Barbara Walters - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of
how it had a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long
dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx - It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein - It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Voltaire - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to
the death its right to do it.

Ronald Reagan - What chicken?

Captain Kirk - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Sigmund Freud - Zee fact that you are at all concerned that zee chicken
crossed zee road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates - I have released Chicken-XP-2003, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken-XP.

Albert Einstein - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

The Bible - And God! came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders - I missed one?

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:45 PM

By Dennis Miller [ Note: Dennis is a comedy writer, TV stand up comedian and Monday Night Football commentator ]

(Article in the Wichita Falls Paper)

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my little brain spinning like a top. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides, but I've detected a hint of confusion from some of you. Maybe this can help.

As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice anyone ever gave me. He told me about the "KISS" method ("Keep It Simple, Stupid!"). So with
this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it.
My hope is that we can simplify things and recognize a few important facts.

Here are ten things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

(1) Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

(2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right things, keep this in mind: the UN has Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

(3) If you use a Google or Yahoo search and type in "French Military Victories," don't be surprised if your computer panics at its inability to respond to your inquiry.

(4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No War For Oil," hire a pit bull lawyer and sue your school district for having allowed you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the minimum education that any non-troglodyte deserves.

(5) You can take this one to the bank: Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden will NOT seek UN approval before they try to kill us.

(6) Despite common belief among some, Martin Sheen is NOT the President. He only plays one on TV.

(7) If you are anti-war and even an outright "America Basher," to bin Laden you are still an "infidel" whom he wants dead.

(8) Be careful: If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not in the danger that Hussein poses, the only job you may be able to get is as an Ivy League college professor.

(9) Even multi-culturalists who try to browbeat us into believing that all cultures are equally deserving of respect have trouble explaining the past 500 years of Islam.

(10) Whether you are for or against military action, our young men and women overseas are fighting to defend our right to speak out on these issues. They deserve our unreserved support. And their Commander-in-Chief deserves our prayers too.

I hope this helps.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:46 PM

Regardless of your politics, these are facts and should be known.
> >THIS WILL OPEN YOUR EYES.
> > By Paul Harvey -
> >
> >Conveniently Forgotten Facts:
> >Back in 1969 a group of Black Panthers decided that a fellow Black
Panther
> >named... Alex Rackley needed to die. Rackley was suspected of
disloyalty.
> >Rackley was first tied to a chair. Once safely immobilized, his friends
> >tortured him for hours by, among other things, pouring boiling water
> >on him.
> >When they got tired of torturing Rackley, Black Panther member, Warren
> >Kimbro took Rackley outside and put a bullet in his head. Rackley's body
> >was later found floating in a river about 25 miles north of New Haven,
> >Conn.
> >
> >Perhaps at this point you're curious as to what happened to these
> >Black Panthers.
> >
> >In 1977, that's only eight years later, only one of the killers was
> >still in
> >jail. The shooter, Warren Kimbro, managed to get a scholarship to
> >Harvard,
> >and became good friends with none other than Al Gore. He later became
an
> >assistant dean at Eastern Connecticut State College. Isn't that
> >something?
> >
> >As a '60s radical you can pump a bullet into someone's head, and a
> >few years later, in the same state, you can become an assistant
> >college
dean!
> >Only in America!
> >
> >Erica Huggins was the lady who served the Panthers by boiling the water
> >for Mr. Rackley's torture. Some years later Ms. Huggins was elected to
a
> >California School Board.
> >How in the world do you think these killers got off so easy? Maybe
> >it
was
> >in some part due to the efforts of two people who came to the
> >defense of the Panthers. These two people actually went so far as to
> >shut down Yale University with demonstrations in defense of the
> >accused Black Panthers during their trial.
> >
> >One of these people was none other than Bill Lan Lee. Mr. Lee, or Mr.
Lan
> >Lee, as the case may be, isn't a college dean. He isn't a member of a
> >California School Board. He is now head of the US Justice
> >Department's Civil Rights Division, appointed by none other than Bill
> >Clinton.
> >
> >O.K., so who was the other Panther defender? Is this other notable
Panther
> >defender now a school board member? Is this other Panther apologist
> >now
an
> >assistant college dean? No, neither!
> >
> >The other Panther defender was, like Lee, a radical law student at
> >Yale University at the time. She is now known as the "smartest woman
> >in the world."
> >
> >She is none other than the Democratic senator from the State of New
York,
> >our former First Lady, the incredible Hillary Rodham Clinton.
> >
> >And now, as Paul Harvey said; You know "the rest of the story".
> >
> >Pass this on! This deserves the widest possible press.
> >
> >Also remember it, if and when she runs for President.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:47 PM

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home.

My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the water-way, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She causally mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words "United States of America."

"No, not that; read further."

"One cent?" "No, keep reading."

"In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I can not change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!

And, God is patient...Have a blessed day!!
~ Author Unknown ~

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:48 PM

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA
TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all
across the country would be marching on this business.
And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds
back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their
statement.
We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:50 PM

grab your tissues before reading...

The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5 yr old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nonetheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner," Don't you know young lady when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package? "The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger. An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:52 PM

Subject: Doctors, Lawyers and Guns

Think about this. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. Accidental
deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. Accidental deaths per
physician are 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services.)

Then think about this: The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner .0000188.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure, I have withheld
the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to
seek medical attention.

How about the fact that prescription drugs cause approximately 250,000
deaths a year?

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:53 PM

> People always say how mean kids can be, never how
> nice they can be.
>
> This will either make you cry, give you cold chills
> or just
> leave you cold, but it puts life into perspective!
>
> At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves
> learning-disabled
> children, the father of one of the school's students
> delivered a speech
> that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
>
> After extolling the school and its dedicated staff,
> he offered a
> question. "Everything God does is done with
> perfection. Yet, my son
> Shay cannot learn things as other children do. He
> cannot understand
> things as other children do. Where is God's plan
> reflected in my son?"
> The audience was stilled by the query. The father
> continued. "I
> believe," the father answered, "that when God brings
> a child like Shay
> into the world, an opportunity to realize the
> Divine Plan presents
> itself and it comes in the way people treat that
> child."
>
> Then, he told the following story:
> Shay and his father had walked past a park where
> some boys Shay knew
> were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think
> they will let me
> play?"
> Shay's father knew that the boys would not want him
> on their team. But
> the father understood that if his son were allowed
> to play it would give
> him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's
> father approached one of
> the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
> The boy looked
> around for guidance from his teammates. Getting
> none, he took matters
> into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six
> runs, and the game
> is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our
> team and we'll try to
> put him up to bat in the ninth inning." In the
> bottom of the eighth
> inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still
> behind by three. At
> the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove
> and played in the
> outfield. Although no hits
> came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be
> on the field,
> grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him
> from the stands. In
> the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
> again. Now, with two
> outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run
> was on base. Shay
> was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team
> actually let Shay
> bat at this juncture and give away their chance to
> win the game?
> Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew
> that a hit was all
> but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to
> hold the bat
> properly, much less connect with the ball. However,
> as Shay stepped up
> to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob
> the ball in softly
> so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
> The first pitch came
> and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher
> again took a few steps
> forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the
> pitch came in, Shay
> swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the
> pitcher. The
> pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could
> easily have thrown the
> ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out
> and that would have
> ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball
> and threw it on a
> high arc
> to right field, far beyond reach of the first
> baseman. Everyone started
> yelling, "Shay, run to first, run to first." Never
> in his life had Shay
> ever made it to first base. He scampered down the
> baseline, wide-eyed
> and startled. Everyone yelled, "run to second, run
> to second!" By the
> time Shay was rounding first base, the right
> fielder had the ball. He
> could have thrown the ball to the second baseman
> for a tag. But the
> right fielder understood what the pitcher's
> intentions had been, so he
> threw the ball high and
> far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran towards
> second base as the
> runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases
> towards home. As Shay
> reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to
> him, turned him in
> the direction of third base, and shouted, "run to
> third!" As Shay
> rounded third, the boys from both teams were
> screaming, "Shay! run
> home!" Shay ran home, stepped on home plate
> and was cheered as the hero for hitting a "grand
> slam" and winning the
> game for his team. "That day," said the father
> softly with tears now
> rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams
> helped
> bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."
>
> And now, a footnote to the story. We all send
> thousands of jokes
> through e-mail without a second thought, but when it
> comes to sending
> messages regarding life choices, people think twice
> about
> sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the
> obscene pass freely
> through itraspace, but public discussion of decency
> is too often
> suppressed in school and the workplace. If you are
> thinking about
> forwarding this message, you are probably thinking
> about which people on
> your address list aren't
> the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of
> message. The person who
> sent this to you believes that we can all make a
> difference. We all have
> dozens of opportunities a day to help realize God's
> plan. So many
> seemingly trivial interactions between people
> present us with a choice,
> do we pass along a spark of the Divine-love that
> God gives to us every
> day? Or do we pass up that opportunity and leave
> the world a bit colder
> in the process?

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:53 PM

>>The "W" in Christmas
>>
>>
>>Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful
>>experience. I
>>had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing,
>>endless
>>baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found
>>myself
>>exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of
>>course,
>>the true meaning of Christmas.
>>
>>My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting
>>season
>>for a six year old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his
>>school's
>>"Winter Pageant." I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be
>>working the
>>night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I
>>spoke with
>>his teacher. She assured me there'd be a dress rehearsal the
>>morning of the
>>presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were
>>welcome to come
>>then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.
>>
>>So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes
>>early, found a
>>spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw
>>several
>>other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, the
>>students
>>were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher,
>>sat
>>cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to
>>perform
>>their song.
>>
>>Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the
>>holiday as
>>"Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial
>>entertainment - songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good
>>cheer.
>>So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love," I was
>>slightly taken
>>aback by its bold title.
>>
>>Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy
>>mittens,
>>red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the
>>front row-
>>center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the
>>title of
>>the song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a child
>>would hold up
>>the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each
>>child holding
>>up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas
>>Love."
>>
>>The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her;
>>a small,
>>quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down -
>>totally
>>unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W". The audience of 1st
>>through 6th
>>graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea
>>they were
>>laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W".
>>
>>Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter
>>continued
>>until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together. A
>>hush came
>>over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we
>>understood the
>>reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first
>>place, why
>>even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.
>>
>>For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and
>>clear:
>>"CHRISTWAS LOVE" And, I believe, He still is.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:54 PM

Work is not everything.

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for
could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind
will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we
pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise
investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:55 PM

Subject: KEEP YOUR FORK

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to
her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what
scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when
the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be
buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what
to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The young woman explained, "My grandmother once told me this story,
and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I
remember that when the dishes of the main course were being
cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your
fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew hat something better
was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork
in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I
want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.'"

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the
young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times
he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and
they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand.

Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with he fork?" And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of he conversation
he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor
told he people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it
remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and
encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.

Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ... And keep your fork.

Ridgeline Crime Unit

12-08-2005, 04:56 PM

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W. Renwick
*************************
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
*************************
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*************************
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
*************************
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
*************************
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
*************************
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
*************************
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
*************************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
*************************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
*************************
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
*************************
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
*************************
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. " "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
*************************
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
*************************
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
*************************
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*************************
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
*************************
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the gardener."
*************************
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
*************************
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
*************************
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
*************************
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
*************************
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
*************************
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
*************************
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
*************************
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
*************************
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.