Got a joke to share?

[JulesK]

ADMIN NOTE:
Some of the jokes or pictures contained in this thread are intended for an adult audience. Jokes can sometimes get dirty, ya know. So, this is your fair warning. If you are easily offended, move along to another thread.

Thanks, Mgmt.
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A beautiful blond boards an airplane. The flight attendent at the door asks for her tickets. The attendent looks at them and tells her she is seated in coach, through the curtains and about 10 rows back. To which the blond promptly seats herself in 1st class.
The attendent goes over to her and says, "Didn't you understand me ? You cannot sit here. This is 1st class. Your tickets are for coach"
The blond looks back at her and says" I'm blond , I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami, and I am not moving!"
They argued for several minutes, after which the senior attendent came over to try to help. After looking at the blond's tickets she also told her " Ma'am your tickets are for coach, you must leave 1st class immediately"
Once again, the blond replied" I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami, and I am not moving!"
The senior attendent saw she was getting nowhere, and knocked on the cockpit door . The Captain came out to see what was going on. After a brief explanation, he quietly said," I'll handle this"
He walked into 1st class, and after spotting the blond, he walked over , introduced himself, and asked if he could sit next to her. She agreed, and he sat down.
After a moment he leaned over and whispered into the blond's ear. As he finished her eyes popped wide open, she jumped up out of her seat and literally ran for coach.
The 2 attendents were stunned and ran over to the captain. one said
" Captain, we argued with her for almost fifteen minutes! In 2 seconds you had her running out of 1st class. What on earth did you tell her?
The captain chuckled and said "it was really no big deal. I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Miami!"

[JulesK]

It was Sunday and the church was full.
After a flash and a boom the great horned beast himself appeared in front of the altar. As he turned to the congregation they began to scream and in great fright rushed madly out of the sanctuary.
Satan surveyed the room and noticed one elderly gentleman still sitting in a pew with his hands resting lightly on his cane.
The beast approached him and said, " you did not run out of the church as the others."
The man replied " Nope"
The beast asked, " aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied , "Nope"
The beast then asked , " Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, " I ought to, I've been married to your sister for the last 45 years!"

[ridge4me2]

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although
their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at
breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father.

[LadyRidge]

Originally Posted by ridge4me2

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although
their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at
breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father.

I love it.

[ridge4me2]

I just hope I didn't offend any pancake eating members.

[LadyRidge]

Originally Posted by ridge4me2

I just hope I didn't offend any pancake eating members.

HECK NO. NOT ME. COPY, PASTED AND SENT IT OFF TO EVERYONE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK AND RECITED IT TO 3 PEOPLE ALREADY. GREAT!

[Marcus]

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"



I meant no offense - just a joke I heard today... OK?

[ridge4me2]

The Cause of Arthritis

A drunk, who smelled of beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father,
what causes arthritis?"


The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being
with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal
hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on
the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just
reading here that the Pope does."

[Truckin']

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, they go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

^

^

^

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

[ridge4me2]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



a.. Indubitably
b.. Innovative
c.. Preliminary
d.. Proliferation
e.. Cinnamon






THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



a.. Specificity
b.. British Constitution
c.. Passive-aggressive disorder
d.. Loquacious Transubstantiate





THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



a.. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
b.. Nope, no more booze for me
c.. Sorry, but you're not really my type
d.. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
e.. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing