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Bloomsburg Fair is on every September. There was an older couple who
went every year for 30 yrs. The old man always wanted to ride in a
helicopter but at $25/person his wife always answered that $50 was way
to much and 50 bucks was 50 bucks. This year the old guy was turning
90 and he still wanted his ride before he died. The pilot of the chopper
heard her tirade and approached the couple with an offer...if they went up
and didn't say a word thru the whole ride, there would be no charge for both
of them, if they so much as whimpered, they would have to pay the $50.
They agreed and climbed aboard, the old man grinning ear to ear... the pilot
took off and flew sideways, did a couple of rolls and anything he could think
of to get them to say something... finally taking them back to the field and
landed. The old man got out but stopped when the pilot hailed him and
said he was surprised no one said anything thru all the turns and tricks
he did... the old man said he enjoyed the ride and had to hold his hand over
his mouth when his wife fell out cause after all, 50 bucks is 50 bucks.
 

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
 

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A young reporter went to the WWII veterans home to interview the vets, she asked lots of questions and asked if she could ask a personal question or two, the vets said sure.

She wanted to know if they wore boxer shorts or briefs under their pants - the answer she got was Depends.
 

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A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.

Both crews were marooned.
 

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There was a large party for a couples 50th anniversary.
They had asked the couple how they managed to stay so happy for that many years.
Wife- Simply said that love and respect for each other made it total bliss!
Husband- well, he started to cry.
A family member said "oh look, tears of joy"
He said no you moron, I was just thinking had I shot her 20 years ago, I would have been out on parole by now.
 

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A burglar has just crept into the house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking around for items to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. The voice repeats, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar. "You're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!"
 

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A homeowner in Montana wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof.
She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Montana Bear Remover."
So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 

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Las Vegas was holding a best story telling contest. The 10th contestant started his story and the judges all looked at each other and agree than no one could top his story and awarded him the first prize.

His story started "Once upon a time, there was an honest politician". They stopped the contest with that one line.
 

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I think it was "Russia got Hungary took Turkey and fried it in Greece" (from the late 1950's)
 

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A Chinese guy woke up sick and called in to his boss "Me sick, not come to work".
His boss told him " When I'm sick I just bang my wife real good and I feel better. Try that."
2 hours later he calls his boss back "Me feel lots better. You got nice house.
 

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey - is that Trump and Cruz over there?"

Yep - sure is. Go say hey; they're friendly.

Guy walks over to Trump and Cruz, "Excuse me but I just wanted to say that I am a big fan of both of you. Whatcha talking about?"

Trump replies, "World War 3. We're gonna nuke 140 million Muslims and a blonde with big tits."

Guy inquires, "Why would you kill a blonde with big tits?"

Trump laughs and points to Cruz, "See, I told you no one cares about 140 million Muslims."
 

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, if you will release me from this trap I will grant you three wishes.

The woman freed the the frog, and the frog said. Thank you but I failed to mention there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wished for your husband would get 10 times better or more.

The woman said that would be ok, and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, you do realize this will make husband the most handsome man in the world and women would flock to him.

The woman replied that will be ok because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will only have eyes for me.

So KAZAM she is the most beautiful woman in the world. For her 2nd wish she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said that will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.

The woman said that would be ok for what is mine is his and what what is his is mine.

So, KAZAM she is the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her 3rd wish, and she answered "I would like a mild heart attack"
 

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies.

"Put them back, it's a waste of money", demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price"
 

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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."







Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.





In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.







"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."







The devil led him to the door of the next room.







In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.







"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.







The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.







Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."







The devil smiled and said...........











"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

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A 75 year old man was at the doctor for a physical and he determined that a semen sample was in order. He gave the man a jar and told him to bring it back with a sample the next day.



The next day he returned as ordered with the jar clean and empty as when he got it.



The doctor asked him what happened so the old man started explaining, "Well first I tried with my right hand, nothing, then I tried with my left and still nothing."



"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand and then her left. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in then with her teeth out, still no luck."



"We even called over the neighbor lady, Eileen. She tried with both hands. She even tried an armpit and squeezing it between her knees, and still nothing."



The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!!!"



The old man replied "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
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